The Ratpack have braved dangers of all sorts but frankly we are terrified of Salties as Winston in “1984” was terrified of bright lights. In fact we are scared shitless. Fast, unpredictable and jaws that can gobble up and swallow a dog whole.
Sunday is the crew’s day of rest. We usually hang around the pool and listen to music and double check our lines for upcoming shoots. At 4 in the afternoon Russell Crowe, Martin Malivoire (our special effects wizard) and Mel Gibson decide to go for a walk on the beach before dinner. I am napping by the pool suffering in the terrible humidity and think those guys going on a walk is like walking into the gates of Hell. I was right.
Penny insists upon a prewalk beach patrol in her Oodlecopter to spot any wayward Salties. Up she goes promising a radio report in a few minutes. All clear she radios and Crowe, Malivoire, Gibson and Poofy the Poodle head out to the beach but a mere 5-minute walk. From this point on matters are fuzzy.
Just when I start a doze in the shade all at the pool hear a bloodcurdling scream then two explosions. Penny radios barking so wildly the Ratpack can’t understand her. Thirty seconds later she lands in her Oodlecopter and her eyes are wild with terror. There is blood splattered over her Oodlecopter. Penny faints. The Ratpack roars into action and humans and dogs run like the wind to the beach. There is a huge crowd and police and ambulance sirens are approaching.
Have you ever seen the aftermath of a Saltie attack. Best I do not fill you in for what you have never seen. A bystander and witness recount the incident.
Three Salties attacked the lads and Poofy the Poodle encircling them. Thank goodness Penny returned with Oodlecopter after having seen a Saltie attacking a penguin on her return trip. Lucky, she did as she saw the attack in progress. She fired her two mini missiles taking out two Salties but the damage had already been wreaked.
Martin Malivoire lies on the sand twitching his last. He has a huge gash on his leg from a Saltie chomp. The sand is red from the enormous amount of blood he has lost. An off-duty paramedic is applying a tourniquet. But it may be too late. He looks like he is in death throes with an ashen face. We can see his bone protruding from his flesh. Not much flesh but yellowish fat and gristle. A Roman Catholic priest on vacation from Ethiopia bends over Malivoire administering last rites. I liked the guy and what a way to go. Rest in peace buddy. An ambulance arrives and scoops him up. The paramedics are shaking their heads saying this Baron of Beamsville “will never be leaving Darwin”.
Russell Crowe has lost an arm torn off in the attack. He is also scooped up and carted away in an ambulance. Nicole Kidman had been told by Penny about Crowe’s loss of an arm and a reattachment specialist is on a private jet chartered by Kidman and should arrive in 3 hours from Perth. His arm has been placed in a beer cooler full of ice.
Mel Gibson hasn’t a scratch as he had been detained by a fan on the beach for a discussion about terrible sequels to Mad Max missing the attack.
Poofy the Poodle? A few tufts of hair and some intestines are all that remain. Witnesses say Poofy the Poodle engaged in a fierce battle with the surviving Saltie shredding one of the Saltie’s eyes but being thrown off and gobbled up in an instant. That last surviving Saltie slithered away.
What a horrific scene that perhaps not even Martin Malivoire could special effect. We expect a call informing us of his death any moment. Good luck Russell with that missing arm.
The Ratpack and angry Darwinians form a Saltie possie to hunt down the one eyed Saltie. We rip the bugger to shreds but derive no pleasure other than delivering justice. As the croc lied dying on the beach Penny delivered the final bite to the jugular. You harm a Beamsville man like Martin Malivoire expect the wrath of a Beamsville dog! Penny washes the blood off her snout in the sea. Can a killer like Penny ever be a contestant at the Royal Hamilton Dog Show?
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