Spoof News Services: 12January2026: National Guard detachments based in Buffalo and Finger Lakes, New York seized control of Niagara Falls, Ontario, Niagara-on-the-Lake and all wineries in Niagara on Monday 12January2026.
White House spokesperson Cary Leaveit stated the military action was required to protect the security of the United States given that invading troops could launch from the Niagara-on-the-Lake Golf Course over the Niagara River to New York State in minutes. Leaveit stressed we wanted to purchase the Niagara Region but our offer was refused so with ample warning for a reconsideration that was not heeded, “We had no choice to ensure the sovereignty of the United States. Let this be a lesson to Denmark and their igloo people in Greenland.”
Niagara wineries were seized in response to Ontario’s decision to remove all American alcohol from the shelves of Ontario’s provincial liquor monopoly The Liquor Control Board of Ontario. To compensate American alcohol producers 50,000,000 casks of spirits and wines produced in the Niagara region will be diverted to the United States for the benefit of all Americans and Canadians. Leaveit stated, “We did it in Venezuela and we will do it in Ontario.” We will help ourselves to Canadian electricity as well to ensure Ontario’s threat to stop electricity exports to the United States will never happen.”
Premier Doug Ford of Ontario was last seen in Trenton, Ontario’s Canadian Air Force base being transported in a US military jet to San Quentin, California “for talks with California Governor Gavin Nudesome.”
Prime Minister of Canada Marcus Corney saw the move by the United States as “irksome” stating, “They always wanted the better view of the Falls.”
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