Twelve tips on how to get ahead at largecorp
1. Never complain or criticize
Be very careful about criticizing or complaining about largecorp in a public forum whether it be in the workplace or social media. This may constitute a valid reason for your termination. To the world you will communicate that largecorp is a wonderful place for you to work at. Remember the phrase used in repressive political regimes namely that, “The walls have ears”. Who knows who what informant might be within largecorp.
2. Praise your Senior Management Team
Your Senior Management Team is bursting with brilliant ideas that are going to increase profits. It is irrelevant for your purposes to note most of the profit ends up in their pockets. Put another way do not bite the hand that feeds you. Like a dictatorial political regime the only news permitted by the SMT is positive news unless it comes from within the SMT. Look at poor Winston and Julia in George Orwell’s “1984”.
3. Work like a dog
Forget any baloney you hear from the largecorp Human Relations Department about how you should lead a balanced life. Never take a full maternity or parental leave. Best to limit your family life or pursue any hobbies so go ahead and hire a nanny. Working out is seen by largecorp as acceptable as it builds your resistance to stress at little or no cost to largecorp. Some week-end work is mandatory. Late nights too! Of course, the more you do the more is expected of you. Don’t think of this as a vicious circle that will take a physical and mental toll on you. Why do you think you have disability and medical plans?
4. Be kind to the peons below you
Your Human Resources Department does not like difficult to get along with people. Let the nastiness amongst the SMT remain within the SMT or be directed towards low life employees. Respect is the right attitude towards those who report to you and work with you.
5. Skip coffee breaks and lunches
Unless you are expected to lunch with clients it is best to avoid taking a lunch hour or coffee break. Nothing smells more like a unionized attitude. Largecorp hates unions unless its leaders are in the SMT pocket in which case unions are ideal for keeping employees in line. Speaking of lunches, no alcohol. Boozy lunches are a thing of the past. It’s Perrier for you. Eating lunch at your desk wins you points. Interesting that it is an established fact from the medical community that that lunch and coffee breaks increase productivity. The failure by the SMT to encourage breaks once again illustrates their poor management skills.
6. Easy on the shrimp!
At client receptions sponsored by largecorp eat no more than three shrimp and make that glass of wine last a long time. You are not there to eat and have an enjoyable time. Networking is the name of the game.
7. No personal use of the internet
Big brother can monitor you.
8. Forget having an affair
They tend to blow up in a messy fashion, so you are taking a chance. You should prefer your reputation as opposed to your lust.
9. Be helpful and available
Sally Self was a master of portraying an image of helpfulness and availability. And her fellow SMT members took away a very positive view of this particularly useful behaviour as it was also solely directed to her fellow members of the SMT and not to her staff.
10. Do not die on the job nor contract a fatal disease
These are career limiting moves. Being a victim of workplace stress and going on disability is just about equal to dying however on the bright side at least you get paid for it if your largecorp group insurer if largecorp has a short- and long-term disability plan.Good luck on prying out and long term disability payments!
11. Do not outshine your boss
If your list of accomplishments begins to start looking superior to the person you are reporting to then you risk a jealous revenge which in my case with Felicity Poker along with some blackmail by Brian Cochon resulted in my termination from CRAP.
12. Take those internal training courses
Eagerly enroll in courses offered by largecorp. Remember you are a team player. Not taking them reflects negativity on your attitude towards self development.