“Mutantism on the March”: Chapter 68 “Ruancho and Ergot Strike a Deal”

The gong of the first mate roused the crew from a deep narco-alcohol sleep and they proceeded to take a few shots of Brazilian vodka and bake in the sauna to spruce up for the dinner at Ruancho’s. Limos arrived at 8 p.m. to take Eno and his crew to Ruancho’s for his festive barbeque. Ruancho was in a silk smoking jacket smoking an enormous spliff of Panamanian Red when Eno and his crew arrived.

Eno and Ruancho took a seat on his second-floor balcony smoking Panamanian Red from a hookah and watching their men snorting and smoking a wide array of products. Whole sides of beef and entire pigs were being roasted slowly sending wafts of munchie vibes. At 9 p.m. a servant announced dinner was being served. The Ruancho thugs and Eno’s crew stuffed their faces consuming enormous quantities of beef and pork guzzling kegs of “El Presidente” beer.

While their “lower orders” cavorted below Eno and his host went to a private dining room for a dinner of Shrimp Newturd and 1952 Chateau Laflop Graves.

After dinner Ergot and Ruancho settled down for a dessert of strawberries and Grognac, a mixture of hash oil and cognac served with the finest Columbian coffee. Ruancho rolled a spliff of Panamanian Red and the two settled down to business.

Ruancho said, “Eno I have heard that you have been raiding yachts off the coast. You have been pissing off some powerful narcos and they are on to you. Any more attacks and you are facing elimination. I can smooth things out there for you with my amigos. I have extended my influence to protect you. If you persist they will cut you to ribbons. They know your tactics. But I love you for your fierceness. You are a gutsy pirate. As you may be aware hashish and marijuana are now legal in our country since the overthrow of junta leader Pepe Liquita by that gringo Squid and his followers. Our large cultivation estates have been seized and turned over to stupid peasants. We have lost our narco monopoly and these peasants have bypassed our illegal network cutting out Mafia and Cosa Nostra and selling to mutantos for distribution to the Yankees. We narcos are being cut out of the action. We have offered enormous bribes to the new leaders of our country but unlike the last regime they are steadfastly honest. Frankly I am at the point of shutting down. However some of us have huge cannabis plantations in Paraguay with the approval of the German one. We now have 50 million tons of the stuff and we need someone to smuggle it to North American and European markets. I think you are the answer to our problems, Are you with us?”

Ergot responded “Sure Ruancho. But one thing bothers me and that is our ship is too slow to avoid custom patrols and that makes us a sitting duck.”

“Eno let me tell you we have all angles covered. Your ship is a tourist attraction. We can “convince“ governmental authorities that you are on some sort of cultural  mission. We can supply you with many bogus artifacts to further create the impression you are on some cultural mission. We can also supply your crew with fake passports. You’ll be so high and mighty they’ll never suspect anything! And just consider your admission prices to your floating museum you’ll be raking in extra cash. You’ll slip through custom’s officials like olive oil. They never touch anything “cultural”. Who wants the chance of instigating a diplomatic incident that would make them look like fools? We will outfit you with glittering ancient seafaring costumes and when they see you they will be hypnotized just like when you raided those narco yachts. For each shipment we offer you five million dollars, half now and the other half when your ship returns to Columbia. And in gold bullion to Swiss safety deposit boxes we will open for you. Is it a deal?”

“Yes Señor Ruancho. We have a deal. Let’s drink to it.”

Published by Robert K Stephen (CSW)

Robert K Stephen writes about food and drink, travel, and lifestyle issues. He is one of the few non-national writers to be certified as a wine specialist by the Society of Wine Educators, in Washington, DC. Robert was the first associate member of the Wine Writers’ Circle of Canada. He also holds a Mindfulness Certification from the University of Leiden and the University of Toronto. Be it Spanish cured meat, dried fruit, BBQ, or recycled bamboo place mats, Robert endeavours to escape the mundane, which is why he has established this publication. His motto is, "Have Story, Will Write."

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