Another night in the White House before I head to Toronto. But first there are a few talk shows that are so popular in the United States in the morning. I am woken up at 6 a.m. and have a quick breakfast with President Biden. He has yogurt and strawberries and I have some beef kibble with lots of cold water. President Biden says good-bye after breakfast and says he has asked Reggie the Egyptian Rescue Dog, a good friend of his and the United States, to do him a “favour” and I may be involved. President Biden insists I refer to him as Joe. And before he heads off he says there is some red haired woman called Jenn in the White House Briefing Room that has arranged a special ceremony for me? Joe hands me a special White House dog bed with a presidential seal on it. He picks me up and looks me in the eye and says we are best friends and he will be seeing me soon. A nice man. Gentle and kind not like that brute Putin. That shit would slice me up and feed me to Siberian huskies. I’ll slice him up before that!
I go to the White House briefing room and the red-haired woman says hello and we start a press conference. The world press is there. She announces a special session. Some high-ranking US Marine soldier comes out and addresses the press saying I am being made an honorary Captain of the US Marines First Division and given a Robert Leckie Medal of Honour. Robert Leckie was a brave decorated warrior of the First Division in a bitter battle against the Japanese in the Pacific. The Marine guy then gives me a flak jacket with the United States flag on one side and the Ukrainian flag on the other and a helmet with a U.S. marines First Division insignia on it.
This is broadcast worldwide and Putin digs deep into his money laundering pool and ups my bounty to 40 million euros. It is upped to 50 million when after the press conference I raise my leg and piss on a picture of Putin on the White House lawn. Go Ukraine go. Push Tsar Putin over the edge and we’ll be marching on Moscow!
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