My last report had me imprisoned in Pico Island in the Portuguese Azores for drinking a wine “Proibida”. I mean it was a free pour and I am not even sure I saw the label yet hours later the Pico police force, all 8 of them, sweep in on me speaking in Portuguese so I had no idea what the charges were. Geez all I had done was to head down to the ocean to “hear the crabs sing” as that is the best place to plant grapes on Pico Island. I just heard angry shouts saying, “Canadian” so thanks to that I could not hear the crabs singing.
I managed to contact the Canadian embassy in Lisbon for help. When I told them I was trying to locate singing crabs they hung up the phone on me! I vociferously demanded to know what the charges were but damned if the Pico Police force knew. They said the order came from Lisbon from the Portuguese Food and Wine Task Force (PFWTF).
I was transferred from my cell which was an unused wine cellar at Adega Go Go to accommodations at Adega Go Go. Adega Go Go was owned by two former Go Go dancers in their eighties who dressed in mini-skirts and white plastic Go Go boots. I had a beautiful room with no security presence around. You see without a passport and my distinctive face I could never leave Pico Island. I had become like that character in Kobo Abe’s “Woman of the Dunes”. The food was superlative and the open bar was second to none. God knows where I am though. I sure can’t hear those damn crabs singing!
Before going to bed one night I watched the Pico Evening news and my eyes popped open as my case had reached the European Parliament and was to be discussed the next day. 15 minutes later the Pico police chief banged on my door to say a special delegation from Lisbon would be arriving from Lisbon to “investigate”.