We hold our breath as the nominees for best song are announced. And the winner is…….Gordon Lightfoot for “Paco A Girl’s Best Friend”! Mr. Gordon Lightfoot grabs Bosco and me under his arms and carries us on the stage. He has 90 seconds to speak to the world. “I would like to thank the Academy. I would not be here without the inspiration that Reggie has given me. A street dog from Cairo who has conquered the hearts of millions. “Paco a Girl’s Best Friend” is my biggest hit ever. I’m finally big in Japan! Reggie I love you!” He then hoists me up over his head and then Bosco to thunderous applause.
Then it is the best special effects award. And the winner is Martin Malivoire for “A Dog Saved My Life”! Canada is cleaning up! That special effects fight between me and the saltwater crocodile was a masterpiece wrote Variety Magazine. Malivoire speaks, “None of this would have been possible without the love of my life Moira! Working with Nicole Kidman was like no other experience I have ever had. Frankly speaking before I met Nicole I thought her a beautiful woman. She remains a beautiful woman, second only to Moira of course but there is so much talent and devotion to film Nicole has. It is infectious. To all my friends in Beamsville WE DID IT!” Boy that Moira is jumping up and down! We Canadians can be frisky!
To the surprise of all just prior to the best actor in a lead role being announced the CEO of the Academy walks onto the stage announcing the Academy has withdrawn Dylan the Westie and Reggie as nominees for best actor and supporting actor. The CEO said board met this morning and made this difficult decision as there is no way we can call dogs actors said Mr. Big Wig. Instead a “special canine recognition award” will be given to Reggie for best animal in a lead role and to Dylan the Westie for best supporting canine. A crescendo of boos ripples throughout and is heard by millions.
Bob stands up and the world hears him shouting this decision is a sham! DETRIMENTAL RELIANCE he shouts repeatedly. Penny and Bosco run down the aisle and lunge at the ankles of the CEO of the Academy chasing him off stage. Mr. Gordon Lightfoot shouts, “OUTRAGE”. Russell Crowe pumps his fist shouting, “It is all because you hate Canadians! SHAME ON THE ACADEMY!”
Could matters deteriorate further? Larry David takes the stage saying, “This is no place for mangy, talentless and flea-bitten dogs like Dylan the Westie and Reggie the Muslim traitor dog one minute cuddling with the Ayatollah the next being awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Reggie is the biggest con and he should have died on the streets of Cairo.”
My goodness Bob bellows out a stream of obscenities including, “Larry David, you filthy bustard. I am coming to teach you slanderer a lesson.” LD responds by saying Bob couldn’t write a traffic ticket. Bob rushes the stage but is restrained feet away from Larry David by security guards. Larry David roars in laughter and sticks a literal knife in Nicole Kidman’s back saying dogs were a stupid subject for “A Dog Saved My Life” and then calls the Hamilton Tiger Cats a bunch of losers.
That was too much for the audience and they started pelting Larry David with food and chasing him off the stage. We hear the Los Angeles riot squad has been summoned and that Larry David is in protective custody.
The auditorium is a disaster zone. After an hour cleaning delay the broadcast resumes but not before a live feed of the Tiger Cat’s fans exploding in anger in Hamilton at Tim Horton’s Field and burning blowups of Larry David in effigy.
Mr. Gordon Lightfoot sings “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” to calm down the crowd and reinstate some respectability.
And the winner for Best Actress is Nicole Kidman for “A Dog Saved My Life. The crowd erupts but there is a stir. Why is Nicole walking away from the stage? What is the matter? Nicole has come to get us and she puts a double leash and takes Dylan the Westie and I to the stage. We sit at her feet. Nicole speaks, “I have had a close working relationship with Reggie and his pal Dylan the Westie. At Reggie’s screen test I knew this was the dog for the film. Obedient and he acted like he understood the human language and knowing him I think he understands us humans sometimes better than we know ourselves. Reggie and Dylan you have done yourselves proud. A very special thanks to my husband and two children here tonight for being without me as we filmed for 4 months in Darwin. Mr. David should you ever set foot in Darwin I fear for your safety.”
The crowd is up on its feet chanting “REGGIE. DYLAN. NICOLE.”
Dylan the Westie and I are called up for our “animal awards”. Fay shouts out that we are not accepting a secondary award and that the award statuettes can go swim with the fishes. A gigantic swell of approval can be heard.
Then the last award is Best Picture “A Dog Saved My Life”. Nicole brings me, Dylan the Westie, Mr. Urban, Martin Malivoire and his wife Moira Saganski, Mr. Gordon Lightfoot, Fay and Bob on stage and we form a circle and jump around in pure joy as in this moment we are just happy children. Who would have believed this was possible given that bloody Saltie attack on the beaches of Darwin as we were filming the movie. Nicole says to the television audience simply a very big thank you including a notional hug to Poofy the Poodle who gave his life protecting cast members from the Saltie.
It is up in the air who the best actor and supporting actor are.
What a party afterwards! Dylan the Westie and I feel like movie stars. No wait. WE ARE MOVIE STARS! We meet so many famous people. Taylor Swift comes and gives a big hg to me and Dylan the Westie. I felt like fainting! I am now a SWIFTIE! That Kelce guy is a lucky man! Robert de Niro wants to have us visit him in New York. Countless offers are made for film projects and Bob collected some 65 business cards. It is all a blur. Then the room goes silent and an announcement is made to watch the screens in the room. God bless his soul it is our friend Joe Biden who congratulates everyone in the room and gives a special shout out to “my good friends” Dylan and Reggie. This stuns most of the people in the room not knowing that two dogs are good friends of the American President. He explains Larry David is a secret operative of the MAGA gang this being the reason he verbally abused Reggie and Dylan the Westie. Joe will determine if he has the power to impeach Larry David.
At two in the morning the limo comes to take us back to Malibu. Dylan the Westie and I are so exhausted when we get back home Bob and Fay had to carry two sleeping dogs back to their doggie beds with a presidential seal on them.
We have a farewell breakfast and drive off to Palm Springs for a few days rest. Before we leave Bob and Fay invite Nicole and her family to our Toronto home for Canadian Thanksgiving. Joe and Jill Biden have also been invited. This may work! With Kim Jong-Un what a party this will be
A Bird's Eye View of Fashion, Food, Travel, Culture, Beverage and Curiosity 