A film critic slaves away under the oppression of well intentioned but unpaid blogs. Wowzers the return is incredible! All the movies you can watch which you can spend 6-7 hours writing about after watching a film with an occasional thank you. No way to make a living but rather an endorsement of poverty. So finally expecting a payout I was anticipating a big swag bag and a google eyed mingling with celebrities on our chartered bus trip to Kinmount, Ontario. Celebrities were D list on the bus, yes I said bus! A few had extras’ experience and one luminary was a dancer on a Nelly Furtado video! I am one to talk having failed an audition to appear on “Peoples Court” in 1972. Those who can’t act write about it.
We were heading to The Highland Cinemas in Kinmount, Ontario to watch a Canadian premiere of “The Movie Man” about Keith Stata the creative force behind The Highland Theatres.
So on we chugged from Toronto with Nino the bus driver who sings like a lark but was so stressed out with Toronto traffic his Caruso voice had shrunk like George Costanza on that Long Island episode where frigid pool water had demasculinized him.
My God a stirring homily on cottage life over the bus microphone from Ally of Route 504 a whippersnapper Toronto PR firm a gargantuan force for cinema public relations. First mate Ally was visibly distraught explaining her past nearby cottage experience over the bus microphone. So many waifs were packed up tight in her yesteryear cottage the local mosquitos treated the cottage like a blood bar! Poor children scrabbling for a blanket to keep from freezing in crisp Kawartha cottage night air. Ally recalls saying, in Oliveresque fashion “Please more sir” for wieners on a stick over the campfire. Was that a tear rolling down her face?
Then a big wheel from Hollywood Suite cautioned about using the bus washroom. Number Two was Verboten. Was he watching too much “Das Poop” on Hollywood Suite?
So halfway through the trip snacks were distributed. Throwback “Dunkaroos” and “Fruit Roll Ups”. Deadly man. With Route 504 and Hollywood Suite where was the Veuve Clicquot and truffled popcorn?
So we finally arrive at Kinmount, Ontario with a population of 300 (dogs and cats included) and The Highland Cinemas and at first glance was there some mushroom magic in our snacks?
Imagine a conglomerate of houses and structures containing five theatres resembling a mashing of drive-ins from 1963 Burlington, Vermont coupled with a bad episode of “Hoarders”, a movie ephemera museum, Honest Eds and a house of horrors at Centre Island in Toronto. Is this a Jim Jones hallucination at a compound with free Koolaid?
And strange signs everywhere saying do this and that. One said close the door to the entrance. By God you won’t see this at a multiplex! You see Kinmount mosquitos have a voracious appetite and if you leave the front door open your movie experience may be bloody and itchy.
Instead of a swag bag with Cartier we are greeted with a bag of popcorn and a cup for soda. I mean the popcorn is popped in coconut oil and tossed in savory spices and is so damn good despite the old fogey 1965 recipe using Weaver Gold Kernels! So good I ate the entire bag! Soft drinks from a dispenser you control? Too much power to the people! I mean we are media people and given popcorn and soda in a movie theatre? How on earth can readers expect a review pulsing with enthusiasm? No swag bag. No champagne with caviar? What type of media trip is this. The Highland Cinemas in Kinmount, Ontario struggles against the sterile movieplex culture. Skeeters in the movie theatre…call Public Health!
NEXT: The film rolls followed by a deluxe lunch!
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