The White House announced today the cessation of the Ukrainian Conflict. Crimea will revert to joint ownership of Russia, North Korea and Mired Lang Investments of Kushner, Michigan.
The American sector of Crimea will be managed by Mired Lang Investments and will be subject to resort development. Doge Musky, president of Mired Lang Investments, expressed confidence that with 84 golf courses planned and a touristic infrastructure the region will be a premier golf destination. As a brave salute to the veterans of the Ukrainian conflict they will form a huge pool of caddies for the golf courses.
The North Korean sector will house up to 100,000 North Korean “volunteer worker brigades” to be used as foreign workers in the United States. Jimbo Nochance, Vice President of the United States, noted due to the lack of a Latino workforce many of whom have scooted back to their homeland or housed as guests of the United States in Guantanamo Bay the United States can benefit from next to nothing labor costs of the North Korean brigades. All wages of the brigades will be forwarded to the North Korean government. Nochance stated, “It will cost peanuts to use these brave North Korean volunteers helping America build the Golden Age. With all the vacant government buildings made available by the elimination of a fat government bureaucracy we can house em cheap. As for food costs they should be low as the North Korean worker is quite used to starvation, we have plenty of feral dogs they can eat as that is the main staple of a North Korean peasant.”
Russian president and Supreme Leader Igor Pooping stated the Russian sector will host first class gulags with state of the art facilities to house “dissidents and enemies” of the Russian nation. Hungarian, Czech, Slovenian, Belarusian, Kazakhstani, Romanian and Georgian subsectors will host guest criminals of these principalities of Russia.
President Oran Crapaud of the United States remarked, Pooping and the Jongster, as he refers to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, are really great guys, wonderful people. As for that Zelensky character he’s sucked so much money from the United States he should be glad we didn’t take the whole damn country and make it the 53rd state. To recoup lost American money a 300% tariff will be imposed on Ukrainian cereals by the United States.
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