The Secretary of Agriculture of the United States, Susan Malaka, announced that commencing immediately all sales of Canadian Ice-wine will be prohibited in the United States.
Malaka announced at a meeting of Golden Age Youth in Dayton, Ohio, “Effective immediately we have resurrected Prohibition in our fight against Canadian Ice-wine. The Canadians hit our wines and spirits in their tariff war so are we to sit back and do nothing? All Canadian Ice-wine currently awaiting distribution will be destroyed and all vines producing grapes used in the production of Canadian Ice-wine primarily in the provinces of Ontario and British Columbia will be subject to paraquat spraying which the United States used to crush marijuana production in 1970’s Mexico.”
Malaka’ actions were praised by President Donald Trump as follows, “Suzy is a wonderful gal. Really wonderful. Our government will be awarding “Made in America” subsidies to Alaskan entrepreneurs, the best wheeler dealers in the world. Grapes will be trucked up to Alaska from Oregon, Washington and California to make real Ice-wine. They will place these grapes in giant freezers and crush the grapes when they are frozen. Real quality Ice-wine. The best, really the best.”
Canadian Ice-wine producers plan a march at the United Nations (assuming they are permitted to enter the United States) in the upcoming days to protest against Wineacide and Crimes Against Canadian grape growers.
Timothy Kelowna the acting president of the Okanagan Grape Growers said, “How is poisoning Canadians with paraquat and destroying Canadian Ice-wine producers going to make America great again? What type of greatness is this?”
Spoof reports unconfirmed reports Maple Syrup plantations may be established along the banks of the French River in Delaware and New Jersey which may offset demand for Canadian maple syrup facing an imminent ban from entering the United States.
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