In the early morning hours a statue of hockey great Wayne Gretzky was vandalized in the West Edmonton Mall. Philly cheesesteak was smeared all over The Great One. Placards were left behind stating “Ungreat the Great One”, “Stay in Los Angeles with your movie star friends” and “Go Play Golf With Your Orange Toad Friend”.
Mr. Gretzky played for the National Hockey League’s Edmonton Heavy Crude Oilers for many years before being traded by owner Zeke Chickenpoxington for new equipment for his meat packing plant.
Mr. Gretzky, a resident of Los Angeles, has been under severe criticism in Canada of late for his thumbs up to a national American hockey team in Boston lately, a match where American fans mocked Canadian spectators by saying “The 51st state”. Enraged Canadians remarked how The Great One has been seen cuddling up with President Trump at Republican fundraisers and eating Kentucky Fried Chicken at President Trump’s “Mired in Laggard” golf course.
A tearful Mr. Gretzky addressed reporters in Los Angeles at a lunch with Tommy Moneybags a chief fundraiser for “Canada The 51st” movement. Gretzky choked up said, “Don’t blame me for leaving Canada. Edmonton is too cold for a human being. All they do there is drink, curl in the winter and drink and in summer play golf until the sun sets and drink. I am withdrawing my application for governorship of Canada.”
Mr. Gretzky offered to send a cleaning team to polish up his statue. Edmontonians plan demonstrations in the upcoming days to rename the Wayne Gretzky Freeway into “Don Cherry Way”.
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