Tensions are escalating throughout Portugal overnight.
Seven fast food restaurants, “Filipe’s Francesinhas Shack” had their windows shot up early this morning. No injuries were reported. Portuguese ballistics experts identified bullets and shells of American, Russian and North Korean manufacture.
A wine tanker in the town of Regua in the Douro region fully juiced up with Touriga Nacional was riddled with bullets once again identified as American, North Korean and Russian.
Fields of grapes mostly field blend at Quinta Senora de la Gringo on the outskirts of Lamego in the Douro region were sprayed overnight with the herbicide Paraquat. Two Algerian workers have been blinded and are in hospital suffering severe respiratory failure. Portuguese air traffic control reports two helicopters suspected of dousing the grapes were tracked to a small airfield in Spain just over the Portuguese border.
No group or country has claimed responsibility for the violence on property and grapes.
Kristal Numbhead, Secretary of the United States Homeland Paranoia Department, recently labelled the 5March2025 vandalism of McDonalds and Burger King Restaurants in Porto orchestrated by The Francesinhas Liberation Front (FLF) and Confraria Proud Boys (CPB) as acts of terrorism and designated these two groups as terrorist organizations. Numbhead emphasized threats to The Golden Age of America will not be tolerated. Numbhead stated, “The leader of these two terrorist groups is citizen of Macau. Our New Republican Guard knows his location. We believe his code name is “The Penniless Pensioner”. We terminated Bin Laden and we will terminate this thug.”
Sao Mamedes, the prime minister of Portugal issued the following statement, “Ballistic reports identified the bullets as from the Unholy Alliance of the United States, Russia and North Korea. Our view as a unified government is these vile incursions and acts are in relation to the recent Trade Protection Pact (TPP) agreed to between Canada, Portugal, Panama, Greenland and Mexico. The TPP is a protective mechanism against American aggression manifested by the executive orders of Donald Trump. Our Assembly of the Republic today has censured the governments of North Korea, the United States and Russia and I have summoned their ambassadors to Portugal to express my displeasure. Any further attempts to violate Portuguese sovereignty will not be tolerated.”
Spoof has received unconfirmed reports of American cruise ship passengers most easily identifiable by large stomachs and gaudy clothing roaming the streets of Porto and Lisbon with their ice cream cones profusely dripping on sidewalks as well as empty packets of Ozempic scattered on the roadways have been pelted with Portuguese roast almonds and taunted with shouts of “Go back to your floating hotels and stuff your gullets at the midnight chocolate buffet!”.
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