The Singapore Times Exclusive: THE ABDUCTION OF RORY DYLAN STEPHEN AND THE WINNER OF THE SINGAPORE WESTIE OF THE YEAR IS……
Up at 05:00. Breakfast delivered to our suite. Lots of watermelon. Chopped boiled chicken, mashed potatoes and green beans. A meal fit for a champion Booby Jr. chuckled as he downed a litre of durian juice with a generous addition of vodka and a large steak with two fried eggs on it.
The car was brought round to the hotel entrance and we proceeded to Punggol Waterway Park the site of the competition. The heat was mounting as we parked and made it along The Waterway to the competition field.
Checking in at the registration booth I eyed my fellow West Highland Terrier competitors. They numbered 63 in total. Most were on the short side with stumpy legs and the poor fellows looked overheated already panting away. So much for Singaporean Westies thriving in the tropical heat. Cute Westie longhairs but no way to maintain coolness. I had been shaved down USMC style prior to my abduction so I was as cool as a Westie could possibly be. The Singaporean Westies appeared lethargic but I was pepped up and ready to fire on all cylinders despite the fact all the judges had been “convinced” by Bobby Jr. to ensure I would be the champion. Now to be fair, I was so hyped up with adrenaline from all the stress an abduction generates I felt I could run to Malysia and back. Not that these Singaporean Westies were cute but stupid but the tropics seemed to have dulled them. Does a Scottish highland dog belong in the tropics?
The minimum age for entry was one year and at 9 months forged Singaporean Canine Breeder papers aged me just a bit. My assumed name was “Cuddle Cakes” the name Madame Fong had pinned me with.
We sidled past ruddy faced Brit Sir Reginald Nicomshire a Singaporean shipping magnate and chairman of the organizing committee who gave us a nod and a wink. Nicomshire was “Westie mad” but his wife Prunella forbade any dogs in their mansion. Those who can’t have Westies associate around with those that can! A Westie groupie?
At 07:00 the competition started with the Good Looks competition. My muscular body, cute brown eyes, beautifully proportioned ears and my wet twitchy nose outclassed (in my opinion) the rest of the Westies.
Intelligence was based on beans in a cup. Three upside down cups. We watched a man cover a bean with a cup and mix the cups around on a table. We were to snout the cup with the bean. Easy win.
Being closely shorn cuddleability was not my forte and having a bit of remaining puppydom in me I was a tad squirmy. Raffles, a porty but extremely agile Westie must have won that competition. Raffles was the mascot of the Raffles Hotel in Singapore and was, amongst other things, a greeter of guests at the hotel so he had the charming skills down to perfection. Perhaps all those treats thrown his way by appreciative guests made him a bit portly?
The begging skills competition was very close with Raffles putting in a jolly effort. My eyes are my best begging weapon although I did let out a bit of a bark at a chunk of chicken that was waved in front of my nose. Points deducted I’m sure.
Not even close in the compatibility with other dogs competition as Raffles being a true Singaporean Westie known to many of the competitors. I was, after all, a foreigner in the mix if you looked beyond the forged Singaporean Canine Breeder papers.
I felt it was close on the vermin and rat hunting competition but again Raffles put on a good show. No wonder! I heard a few of the onlookers mumble there were more rats at Raffles Hotel Singapore than anyone wanted to admit. Guess who chased them!
Speed was my game! Long legs, muscular and lean. Poor Raffles, portly as he was, lumbered on panting heavily. Probably could have used some canine Ozempic.
The judges retired to muse over the results.
While Bobby Jr. was downing a Durian cocktail at the refreshment tent I noticed a skinny man with a horrid complexion leaning into Bobby Jr.’s ear. His faced clouded over. I later learnt that Raffles had won in total points. One of the “compensated judges” had a serious traffic accident en route to the competition and the substitute judge, cousin of the manager of the Long Bar at Raffles Singapore was just a bit biased in favour of Raffles.
I saw Bobby Jr. place a small packet into the skinny poor complexioned man’s hand.
I had placed second overall and a urine test was administered to the top four Westies. We all passed but wouldn’t you know it. Raffles’ urine was found to contain performance enhancing drugs. The skinny poor complexioned man was later given a wad of cash by Bobby Jr. in the parking lot. That syringe of his did the trick.
We gathered in front of the stage to hear the announcement congratulating Cuddlecakes as the Singaporean Westie of the Year. I received a small solid gold medal with an inscription “Cuddlecakes Singaporean Westie of the Year”.
Bobby Jr. gave me a big hug and with a sly smile and said, “Well done my friend. This is just the means to what may be a bad end.” Was there a connection with the poison he had been conversing about on his mobile telephone last night.
Off to the post event reception at the mansion of ruddy faced Brit Sir Reginald Nicomshire.
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