SIR REGINALD NICOMSHIRE’S FUNERAL: FROM POROGRAPHIC POSTCARD SALESMAN TO THE SECOND LARGEST SHIPOWNER IN THE WORLD
I have previously related to you Sir Reginald Nicomshire’s humble and perhaps tarnished past.
Reginald, or Reggie as the lower elements of Liverpool referred to him as quit school at 11 years of age to sell pornographic postcards. Well not really. He sold them as pornographic postcards, but when the seal was broken by the buyer the pornographic images were those of the Liverpool post office. The buyers were too embarrassed to request a refund.
With his postcard profits he smuggled scotch from the Scottish Highlands on barges and trucks to be distributed in Northern England. And then with the profits he purchased a dilapidated cruise ship that cruised the waterways of England where the business was sex cruises. He was a regular seaman transporting semen!
He then opened “recreation camps” in Communist Romania which were brothels for high-ranking party members. And with those profits he purchased a few rusty tankers to ply the Black Sea with whatever contraband fetched the highest price.
His wealth augmented to the point he married his wife Prunella, daughter of X a key member of Singapore’s ruling elite; using her family’s wealth he built a fleet of cargo ships transporting perfectly legal cargo except on occasion opium laden gum for the “criminal elements” of Singapore. That’s where Madame Fong became handy.
In short he constructed respectability in Singapore. A strategic supporter and funder of the PAP structure and Singaporean philanthropy and the arts. A citizen above suspicion. Had he reformed? Even a screever can move beyond hogs!
He bequeathed to me in trust two of his shipping lines Hesso Steamships and Kouradaki Express worth at least a half a billion USD in a canine trust. One problem though as it was bequeathed in the name he knew me as, Cuddlecakes, so under Singaporean testamentary law the bequeath was invalid and it would devolve upon Keith, his “illegitimate son” with Madame Fong. Fine with me. Bob and Fay are fabulously wealthy so what the heck.
A horse drawn carriage bearing Sir Reggie’s symbolic remains with a a Singaporean police band tramped through the streets. A sort of state funeral if you wish.
It was a lovely “Celebration of Life” of which no mention as made of Sir Reggie’s nebulous past. Snacks and cocktails were served and the ceremony concluded with a huge cake designed as a supertanker underneath a lovely oil painting of Sir Reggie as a young man holding a Cairn Terrier!
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