The Penniless Pensioner: Misaligned, Maligned but Marvellous (The Final Version): Chapter 16: Eastern European Espionage and that Spaghetti Sauce with Ground Horsemeat

My assignment for the Central Intelligence Agency caused me no moral dilemma. My assignment was simply to be somewhat of an academic traveller. I was a student of Eastern European politics so I had every “valid” reason to be visiting Eastern Europe hanging out in various universities in Eastern Europe and gauge the sentiment of students living behind the “Iron Curtain” about living there and their willingness to challenge the existing power structure. CIA operatives had already done the heavy lifting and I was simply adding a more “youthful” perspective to their findings. Over 3 summers “on vacation” I visited Bulgaria, Poland, Romania, Yugoslavia, Czechoslovakia, Hungary and Eastern Germany. I was a popular figure in many a university campus with my Frisbee and a healthy supply of blue jeans. Just about all students once familiar with me and gaining their trust expressed their frustration of living in a “Marxist state” that never walked the talk. Special privileges for party members whether it be special shops with western consumer goods or the best holidays and flats. Making matters worse were the presence of Soviet troops “occupying” many Eastern European countries. There were small “party cadres” at some universities but the majority of students despised these “Soviet opportunists”. 

It was easy work. I was monitoring corrupt governments and their student victims. I also gained invaluable academic knowledge about Eastern European regimes. Waiting regularly in lines for food was a common occurrence in several Eastern European countries and yes you could read about it in the comfort of a North American campus but to line up for a loaf of bread or chunk of cheese was one of those unique real-life experiences. On occasion I was tailed by local security forces but my movements were unhindered unlike in the Soviet Union where visitors had to be at specified destinations at specified times regularly reporting to local police offices to “register” themselves.

It is amazing how many spaghetti dinners I cooked in student kitchens. Many had never had a spaghetti dinner before. Sometimes the ground horsemeat gave it a heavy flavour though.

The Penniless Pensioner: Misaligned, Maligned but Marvellous (The Final Version): Chapter 15: Fishing with the Central Intelligence Agency on Lake Champlain: Operation Berlin Wall Humpty Dumpty

You have read that I had been approached at McGill University by The Royal Canadian Mounted Police to act as an informant to turn in and rat on “student revolutionaries”. I walked away from that “opportunity”. I was an Eastern European political scholar and of course I made summer plans to visit Yugoslavia, Bulgaria and Romania to further my studies.

One spring afternoon leaving the visa centre of the Bulgarian Consulate in Montreal with a student entry visa in hand a huge black 240SL Mercedes pulled up alongside me as I was walking up Stanley Street. I was asked to come join two men in the back seat. I refused and one of the men said, “It’s about your mother.” I couldn’t resist.  A ride with these two men lasted 45 minutes and we were having iced tea at Tudhope’s Marina in the small Vermont Town of North Hero. After the iced tea I walked with the two men the marina docks. Three men dressed (perhaps suspiciously preppy) as fisherman picked me up in a beautiful wooden “cabin cruiser” for a nice little “fishing expedition”.

I was in the friendly clutches of operatives of the Central Intelligence Agency. Feeling a bit like Martin Sheen in “Apocalypse Now” having steak and Budweiser with high level military and CIA types. Off we cruised on the placid waters of Lake Champlain. We spent 50 minutes trolling by McCormick’s Reef and Gull Island arriving at a small uninhabited island called Knight’s Island. We dropped our lines in the water and had a chat. I was informed the CIA had conducted an exhaustive background search on me and they were willing to do me a favour if I would do them a few in the context of “Operation Berlin Wall Humpty Dumpty”.

The CIA knew the whereabouts of Abdul. You know the bastard brother of my former sweetie Minah who blew my mother’s plane from the sky in an errant attempt to snuff me. He had fled to North Korea then North Vietnam and now was in Tripoli operating a McFalafel franchise. The CIA would treat Abdul with “extreme prejudice” if I decided to participate in their covert operation. They had my attention as did the bass chomping on my nightcrawler hooked onto my Lake Champlain Spinner.

RKS 2025 Literature: A Physician Unable to Establish a True Relationship

“This silly notion served to help me overcome my emotions and see him for what he was-a man relying on his social status as the sagacious doctor to add effect to his words. It was the insensitivity of the physician telling his patient he is going to die under the mistaken belief that being blunt and to the point is the best way in the end. Or worse, accustomed all his life to doting parents, the approbation of teachers and the sycophancy of patients, he’d assumed his superiority and never learned how to conduct himself in a basic man-to-man relationship.”

Bryce Courtenay, “Brother Fish”, 2004

The Penniless Pensioner: Misaligned, Maligned But Marvellous (The Final Version):Chapter 14: The Torrid Sex Life of a Freshman

Rest assured this chapter title was required in my contract with Wuhan Wet Market Publishing. It is misleading. It is salacious and designed to sell copies. The contract did not state the contents of the chapter though other than it must be as lurid as possible!

It could be the lack of torrid lust was rooted in my respect for the opposite sex. Don’t make any moves lest one be accused of a rapist. I was part of the “Me Too” movement before it even existed. Harvey Weinstein could have saved himself long prison sentences if he had my respect for women.

There were a few memorable ladies. The 6 foot 5 Amazonian with a twin sister was an initial foray but with me at 6’3 we drew too much attention. She had the grip of a mechanic and the mannerisms too! She eventually gravitated to a Sumo wrestler exchange student.

Then there was what a nasty friend called “The Toad”. Part Cree Indian a great kisser but at 19 wanting badly to get married. SHIVER!

OK the attempt to befriend a film society tough bird. Someone took pity and finally told me I was wasting my time as she was a lesbian.

Then a good-hearted soul but her looks killed that.

Is there any point in going on?

I had long forgotten Minah. Returning home to my Four Season’s Presidential Suite one Saturday night there was an Indian wedding occurring in the Duplessis Ballroom. Hoping for some edible Indian food I snuck into the room and the wedding was so huge no one noticed and questioned me. While ordering a Harvey Wallbanger at the bar the play-by-play commentator for Punjabi Hockey Night in Canada recognized me as the hero that had beaten Ken Dryden for a hattrick in that Indian National Hockey Team Montreal Canadians game. A group of young men paraded me around on their shoulders singing the Indian National Anthem. Unfortunately I was deposited at the head table unable to make an escape. My eyes locked with a beautiful Indian goddess with piercing green eyes. Reena was her name. One problem though that she was the bride! We had a dance and the temptations were enormous but being so damn decent this was simply not the time to deflower India’s most beautiful woman. A fool I was. Her mother-in-law set her wedding dress on fire later that night and poor Reena succumbed to massive burns. Mother-in-law was royally pissed at the “meagre” dowry so sought revenge. She received a life sentence and a cell in Tanguay Prison in Laval to enjoy it with. Given my sweet pea Minah was confined to the Douglas Psychiatric Institution I knew me and women were a bad mix as far as romance unfolded. People seemed to die because of my romantic involvement.

The Penniless Pensioner: Misaligned, Maligned but Marvellous (The Final Version):Chapter 14: The Torrid Sex Life of a Freshman

Rest assured this chapter title was required in my contract with Wuhan Wet Market Publishing. It is misleading. It is salacious and designed to sell copies. The contract did not state the contents of the chapter though other than it must be as lurid as possible!

It could be the lack of torrid lust was rooted in my respect for the opposite sex. Don’t make any moves lest one be accused of a rapist. I was part of the “Me Too” movement before it even existed. Harvey Weinstein could have saved himself long prison sentences if he had my respect for women.

There were a few memorable ladies. The 6 foot 5 Amazonian with a twin sister was an initial foray but with me at 6’3 we drew too much attention. She had the grip of a mechanic and the mannerisms too! She eventually gravitated to a Sumo wrestler exchange student.

Then there was what a nasty friend called “The Toad”. Part Cree Indian a great kisser but at 19 wanting badly to get married. SHIVER!

OK the attempt to befriend a film society tough bird. Someone took pity and finally told me I was wasting my time as she was a lesbian.

Then a good-hearted soul but her looks killed that.

Is there any point in going on?

I had long forgotten Minah. Returning home to my Four Season’s Presidential Suite one Saturday night there was an Indian wedding occurring in the Duplessis Ballroom. Hoping for some edible Indian food I snuck into the room and the wedding was so huge no one noticed and questioned me. While ordering a Harvey Wallbanger at the bar the play-by-play commentator for Punjabi Hockey Night in Canada recognized me as the hero that had beaten Ken Dryden for a hattrick in that Indian National Hockey Team Montreal Canadians game. A group of young men paraded me around on their shoulders singing the Indian National Anthem. Unfortunately I was deposited at the head table unable to make an escape. My eyes locked with a beautiful Indian goddess with piercing green eyes. Reena was her name. One problem though that she was the bride! We had a dance and the temptations were enormous but being so damn decent this was simply not the time to deflower India’s most beautiful woman. A fool I was. Her mother-in-law set her wedding dress on fire later that night and poor Reena succumbed to massive burns. Mother-in-law was royally pissed at the “meagre” dowry so sought revenge. She received a life sentence and a cell in Tanguay Prison in Laval to enjoy it with. Given my sweet pea Minah was confined to the Douglas Psychiatric Institution I knew me and women were a bad mix as far as romance unfolded. People seemed to die because of my romantic involvement.

RKS 2025 Wine: Thorn-Clarke Eden Valley NV Brut Devilishly Good

Admit it. When you think Australian wine with a psychiatrist waving flash cards in your face asking what you see you will most likely say SHIRAZ! You might equally say CHARDONNAY!

Breaking free from psychiatric tyranny why not sample a sparkling wine from Australia? It is a Thorn-Clarke Pinot Noir-Chardonnay from the Eden Valley. Both the Pinot Noir and Chardonnay were night picked and immediately crushed and destemmed and were fermented separately. The grapes were grown in two cool climate sites in the Eden Valley, Milton Park and Mt. Crawford.

Love the plenitude of Don Ho tiny bubbles.

Aroma: Pear, Sweet Tango apple, marzipan, lemon meringue pie, trail mix nuts and freshly baked white bead.

Palate: Rather strange to savour strawberry and red cherry in a white sparkler but oops there it is! Quite unexpectedly charming! Perhaps even weird and delightful. A bit of Rocha pear just so there is a token white grape trace. Tight acidity not ripping off your face perhaps “vibrant” might best describe it.

Food Match: Lobster linguine.

Personality: I think I am devilishly clever as how on earth anyone but the devil could infuse the wine with notes of red fruit.

Cellarbility: Drinking window ends with 2025 New Year’s Eve.

Price: $23CDN $30AUSD.

RKS 2025 Wine Rating: 93/100. Sam Kim wineorbitz.co.nz 93.

(Thorn-Clarke Pinot Noir Chardonnay Eden Valley NV Brut, Thorn-Clarke Wines, Angaston, South Australia, 750 mL, 12.5%).

RKS 2025 Literature: The Mysterious Female Mind

“God may work in mysterious ways, but perhaps not as mysterious as the female mind-unless of course God is a woman, which would explain a lot of things. Men, it seems to me, either obey a law, never questioning it, or they break it with intent. Women see it for what it is-legislation or a set of rules promulgated by men for what they consider the common good, assuming invariably that the common good has only one gender.

“Brother Fish”, Bryce Courtenay, 2004

RKS 2025 Literature: Pissed Australian Men

“Sure, there were drunks among the Aboriginal people, but fair go-my own family testified to the fact these were greatly outnumbered by drunks of my own race. The white male population remained more or less pissed for the first hundred years in Australia. Moreover the second century of white occupation isn’t proving to be a hell of an improvement.”

“Brother Fish”, Bryce Courtenay, 2004

“The Penniless Pensioner” : Misaligned, Maligned but Marvellous (The Final Version):Chapter 13: My Espionage Opportunity With The Favourites of Old Monarchist Bags and Naïve Schoolchildren, The Royal Canadian Mounted Police

The Vietnam War ended some 5 years ago but that did not prevent political disturbances from rocking the campus grounds of Montreal’s McGill University. The United Mutations were mobilizing support for mutants of the world. The Marxist Leninists the exploitation of students and workers, Hillel fighting against Palestinian terrorism, the Palestinians griping about the occupation of their land by the Israelis, the faculty demanding increased wages and so forth.

Marxism was a convenient if not a simplistic description of class power but in practice its implementation had been a flop with the top party bosses replacing the old bourgeoisie. This was a fact ignored by the Marxist Leninists at McGill University half of whom I expected were stoolies for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) These spiffy red uniforms and neat hats were loved by elderly grandmothers and naïve school children the same clan that supported the English monarchy. The RCMP could be seen snapping photographs of demonstrators at McGill. Canada’s KGB! The RCMP knew my volunteerism with the United Mutations but figured I was a just a rich boy with a guilty conscience. One day while downing a cappuccino at my favourite joint just below the Four Seasons a rather hefty bald man in a Gestapo vintage leather coat sidled up to me and right off the bat offered me a well-paid position as a stoolie for the RCMP. A bonus was paid for each communist ratted on which was tripled with corresponding treason convictions. Love that free enterprise encouraging productivity. My cooperation would ensure that there would be “no problems” with my student visa. It was explained to me by this fine RCMP representative, Pompy Blackhead, since I was so wealthy I would be more than eager to turn in “revolutionaries who will slit your throat when they seize power”. Not being affiliated with any of these groups made me virginal target for recruitment. Thinking quickly, I volunteered I supported the Untouchable Freedom Movement in India and gave Mr. Blackhead all assurances this group operated within a democratic framework. The coup de grace was informing Blackhead many in India considered the UFM to be a communist organization. He took the bait of doubt and scuttled away.

OK so I have made Wuhan Wet Market Publishing very pleased with espionage and pushing my boundaries they are pressing me to describe salacious matters next either sex or murder or even better if it was both. If I had known this I should have accepted that offer with The National Enquirer!

Hopefully dear reader you will not think me stoolie.