So how did I end up in Canada? It was before our beloved Berlin Wall fell that I was transferred by the Stasi to a post at the Canadian German Friendship League headquartered in Toronto. The goal was to ferret out and neutralize hostile elements to the East German Democratic Republic. I was based in Toronto and lived in a cockroach infested apartment on Victoria Park Avenue 5 minutes north of Danforth Avenue. Being German my cover was a sausage and sauerkraut vendor from a cart outside the Toronto Stock Exchange in the middle of a capitalist shitstorm in front of First Canadian Place. I soon became known by the hot shot capitalists and their toady lawyers and accountants as the Happy Kraut. I must have served up thousands of the tasty sausages. After coming home and washing the stench of grilled sausages off my body it was a series of nightly events at some dank hall consisting of lectures, propaganda films, East German cinema and beer nights. What a ratty bunch of Canadians. It soon became apparent it was the free beer and food that drew them in. I mean they were not even proletarian but lumpen proletarian unemployed, drug addicts and the like seeking to fill their bellies and not their minds with glorious East German Canadian friendship.
My mission was doomed to fail and I informed my superiors in East Berlin who seemed unable to focus on anything other than a crumbling East Germany and the threat of looming mobs of angry East Germans furious at the ruining of their lives by our mighty security force the Stasi. It was time for a new cover and it involved championing East German Riesling. Well one slight problem and that was there was no drinkable East German Riesling as we had to import it in huge tankers from the German community in Paraguay. It was rotgut but add some sugar and Austrian anti-freeze and it wasn’t that bad.