At a news conference today first grader Amy Pickenbobber of Guelph, Ontario launched a new retail line of products “Septic Tank Age of America” inspired by her MAGA Patriot Squad abduction in Dunedin, Florida earlier this month. Pickenbobber was “relocated for quarantine purposes” to Guantanamo Bay as a guest of the United States Navy. She was released in a hostage exchange deal shortly thereafter.
Clutching her stuffed Mr. Monkey and wearing her Yankee fighting Laura Secord (formerly a Barbie one) knapsack Pickenbobber explained, “Those MAGA men and their matrons stole me from my parents and took me far away to a place called Guat Bay which was very hot and many bad things were done to so many Spanish speaking people. At night when I went to bedy bye I could hear big bad dogs barking and bright lights kept going back and forth. The only good thing was I could eat all the apple pie and vanilla ice cream I wanted. America was very bad to me and I don’t like this Frump man the MAGA men couldn’t stop whooping about.”
The marketing manager of Pickenbobber’s new line Meester Partout announced the opening line of merchandise with promises of more to come. Customers can purchase a “Trump Urinal September 6th Special” which is a 100% Canadian crafted and manufactured toilet with the inner bowl containing a Mount Rushmorish image of Donald Trump, Moron Tusk and Vice President Jimbo Nochance. Retail price is $679.99 CANADIAN. A dozen toilet paper rolls with a picture of Donald Trump on each square are provided at no charge. Orders received from citizens of Canada, Greenland and Panama before 1March2025 will receive $200 off. Partout stated, “So many people throughout the globe detest a certain vile orange toad and can do little about this as an average citizen. Vilification is therapeutic and the little guy can piss and poop and feel like he or she matters. We regret we can’t ship to the United States as an 865% tariff makes this apparatus of bodily function just too expensive. As our Prime Minister Trudeau is a leader of the Igloo People we must ask do these poor Americans have flushing toilets or are they to come as part of the Golden Age? In the Golden Age only 41% of Americans had flushing toilets.”
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