The Penniless Pensioner: Misaligned, Maligned but Marvellous (The Final Version):Chapter 28: Goat’s Head Special Delivery from Don Lupara?

Ginevra and I had earmarked Saturdays for an exploration of New York City. So many sites to see.

My favourite was Central Park an oasis from the urban frantic New York. No matter the mood or weather we had frequent walks there. I liked the lagoon with its ducks and benches to observe the world float by. Frequently I popped into Whole Foods at Columbus Circle and pick up lunch or breakfast from their huge deli section. New Yorkers were obsessed with eating out so Whole Foods deli was for many New Yorkers a “home cooked meal”.

Ginerva’s favourite was The Met Cloisters at the tip of Manhattan. It was always quiet and although the installations were in my opinion somewhat boring the calmness and serenity was so anti-New York. I discovered something fascinating about Ginevra on one of our trips to The Cloisters. We took the bus up through Harlem to get there and the bus broke down and we were thrust out in the street awaiting a replacement bus. Four Puerto Rican hoodlums approached us making jokes about Ginerva’s ass and one of them tried to pinch it. My little plum took out a stiletto knife and slashed the buttons off the aggressor’s leather jacket. They took their knives out and in thirty seconds they were on the pavement bleeding. My little plum! My sweet little plum! She bellowed in what she later told me was in Neapolitan dialect, “Want more sons of a whore. Come and meet your end!” Those scratched up hoods ran off in terror. What a tough bird my little plum was although she was shaking like a leaf. I asked her about her knife wielding talents and she told me Daddy had taught her how to knife fight! In Naples he had said a girl is not safe with men unless she knew how to cut. My my. It was time to meet Don Lupara.

After our visit to The Cloisters we headed to a safer part of Harlem to one of our favourite restaurants “The Red Rooster” where we split a Charleston Boil and some shrimp grits. Ginerva had to calm herself down with two Tito’s Vodka martinis. She loved her martinis.

Speaking of love she insisted we return to my pad at the Dakota. She looked me in the eyes when we arrived and attacked me like a savage animal. Too many months of good behaviour she said. It was a pleasurable attack but damn Wuhan Wet Market Publishing. I am not going to soil my reputation and that of my little plum by giving any salacious details. In the morning exhausted by our “cavorting” and numbed out and a bit shy about our amorous explosion she left back to her place to finish some research.

My condo unit has been bugged!

Within 24 hours I received a special delivery package and upon opening, I could do nothing but scream and then vomit. There was a severed goat’s head and a message, “The next time you fool with Ginerva it will be your head and balls in this package.” I had the feeling it was time to talk with Daddy or get the hell out of New York and return Bombay!

How did anyone know of our romantic liaison. That man with the scar on his face with the Iroquois haircut? No. Professional debuggers from the United Mutations discovered my unit had been bugged!!!!!

The Penniless Pensioner: Misaligned, Maligned but Marvellous (The Final Version) :Chapter 27: Getting to Know My Sweet Italian Plum: Are Matters Getting Serious? Yoko Ono and Ginerva Hit it Off

My assignment with the United Mutations in New York had concluded but I received a call from Squid asking if I was wiling to address world leaders at a United Nation’s General Assembly meeting to determine if the United Mutations should be granted observer status at the United Nations. You can imagine the preparation that this involved! So aside from getting to know Ginerva I had my hands full. I did manage to meet her after her classes at Columbia where in true fashion she’d down an espresso in three seconds and we chatted about many things except her family which she said we would discuss later “when appropriate”. Every now and then I noticed a heavily tattooed man with an Iroquois haircut and a big scar on his face watching us. It wasn’t an isolated incident. Ginerva brushed it all off saying it was just a fellow student. Hmmmmm. I managed to sneak in a few hugs and smooches which I felt Ginerva was willing to further but always that sense of reluctance on her part like she was surveying her surroundings before succumbing to our romantic antics. She just kept saying all in good time.

Who is this man with the Iroquois and why has he been watching Ginevra and me?

For an independent opinion and sanity check I invited Yoko and John Lennon to tea at my Dakota unit needing John to assess Ginerva. I didn’t require his approval but rather his assessment. So Yoko and John joined us for tea. John loved loose leaf tea that I made. He always used damn tea bags lacking confidence to make loose leaf tea! A man who had conquered the music world afraid to make loose leaf tea! But a man suffering from panic attacks perhaps has a proclivity for many fears. He was deathly afraid of eating sushi fearing someone may have substituted albacore with blowfish. Ginerva wore her vintage leopard dress which wowed Yoko who as I knew had a passion for Vintage clothing. Ginerva and Yoko were deeply engrossed in conversation ignoring John and me. After the last cucumber sandwich and last drop was drained from the samovar John and Yoko departed with Yoko inviting Ginerva (and not me) to a charitable event for the New Yorker Society of Panic Attacks. John had cornered me just before he and Yoko departed and gave Ginerva the thumbs up.

That was a relief. I had to gear up the courtship with Ginerva.

The Penniless Pensioner: Misaligned, Maligned but Marvellous (The Final Version): Chapter 26: Getting to Know My Sweet Italian Plum Ginerva: Am I Playing with Molten Lava?

My romantic escapades have been brief and disastrous. Minah my 160-pound sweetheart ended up in psychiatric care and her brother Abdul murdered my mother. Reena was set ablaze by her evil mother-in-law and the Toad with her marriage obsession was enough to drive off any sensible young man. But heck better to have loved that not loved at all? No way Ginerva could have fallen into this pattern, right? Her twinkling green eyes made my negative romantic past evaporate. It was time to know Ginerva better.

Ginerva was 26, quite close to my age. She was born in Naples, Italy to her father Lupara Cattivo and mother Malvagia. Lupara was of humble background who rose to fame and fortune selling what Ginerva referred to as a “recreational product”. She was a bit evasive about what these products were so I decided not to press her. Her mother Malvagia was from a family in Northern Italy, Bolzano that “ran” tankers of smuggled wine into Germany.

Ginerva attended Sacred Heart gymnasium in Naples with the crème de la crème of Naples society. Her best friend was the daughter of the Naples Chief Prosecutor. She was a brilliant student. She never worked as “Daddy”, as she called Lupara, was overprotective. She spent her summer on the coast at Ischia where her family had a “little villa” and a few seafood restaurants. Ginerva was continually watched by two men discretely in the background which she attributed to overprotective Daddy. Daddy had many a meeting at his Naples residence with his fellow colleagues referring to him as “Don Lupara”. When Daddy went out into Naples or for that matter anywhere two cars followed his, one in front and one in back full of men with tattoos and strange haircuts.

Ginerva had been looking to escape her luxury “Naples Nest” to see the world so she accepted an offer from Columbia University in New York in their Criminology Program. She had explained to me her rather morbid focus of “Italian Mafia Execution Techniques”.

It is time to get to know Ginerva my sweet Italian Plum!

One comment Ginerva made without providing an explanation and without conviction was that our relationship would, for the time being, must be platonic. Otherwise, I might come to harm. Daddy and Malvagia had marriage in mind for my sweet Italian plum. Old fashion folk but not unlike the society I knew in Bombay. Floating in a cloud of infatuation the strange twists in her explanations remained in the clouds. For the time being Ginerva would have to remain my “brilliant friend”.

The Penniless Pensioner: Misaligned, Maligned but Marvelous (The Final Version):Chapter 25: Finishing My Assignment with New York’s United Mutations: John Lennon’s Panic Attack and the Beautiful Ginerva!

My assignment with the United Mutations in New York was rapidly completed. Drafting the Mutants Charter of Rights was somewhat challenging but with resourcefulness and creativity the task was more time consuming than difficult. I cobbled together various human rights bills and declarations from a year long course I took at the Cote St. Luc University Law School and with my Mr. Donut contractual skills I produced a rough draft that was reviewed and commented on by Squid and his “senior management team”. Aside from a poorly drafted section on the rights of victims of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder during war and genocide it was a work of art! It sure beat negotiating contracts for donut delivery to an annual Mennonite conference!

One day John Lennon asked me if I would like to go shopping with him as he wanted a birthday gift for Yoko and he needed company as he suffered panic attacks when shopping. A friend might alleviate his anxiety he thought. So we took a couple of buses downtown to Magnolia Street for some shopping. Yes readers John Lennon loved taking buses pretending to be part of the common folk. He tried to avoid the subway as it made him claustrophobic and with the amount of people in the subway system he would be more easily recognized.

What a rough part of town Magnolia Street was in. Derelicts, young toughs with baseball bats and narcotic dealers. John had said we were in the Bowery. We found the shop he was looking for and it was a very high-end vintage clothing dealer with heavily discounted prices a reward perhaps for the brave willing to walk in this part of town. Yoko refused to buy or wear new clothing and accessories as she found it too “oppressive and exploitative”. Strange lady.

It wasn’t but 5 minutes into the fortified store that John began to shake with sweat pouring down his brow. He had selected a Chanel purse but in the midst of a panic attack he gave me the cash to purchase the purse then ran outside to wait for me.

Ginerva: Could this be the start of something big?

As I was paying for it the most beautiful young lady with those melt your soul green eyes sidled up to me and complimented my exquisite taste in selecting a rare Chanel purchase. With a twinkle in her eye and with a slight Italian accent she said to me your girlfriend is a lucky girl. I responded I was just completing the purchase for a friend and I had no girlfriend. Her face lit up and in a delightfully coy and forward manner she said I needed one! She gave me her telephone number and suggested we meet for dinner soon. My heart was fluttering. Hot diggety dog. A dusky beauty asking me out! She said her name was Ginerva. I could barely remember my name. The beauty of those green eyes could have launched a thousand ships. They were to launch me into the most incredible adventures.

PRESS RELEASE: United States Vice President Elect J.D. Vance To Be Appointed as Mayor of the Ontario City of Wa Wa

Wa Wa, Ontario, Canada: 29December2024: Spoof New Services: It was announced today that Vice President Elect of the United States of America, J.D. Vance will be appointed by the unnamed Governor of Canada State, thought to be Wayne Gretzky, as the new mayor of the Ontario city Wa Wa in early in February 2025.

Vice President Elect Vance expressed his delight with his upcoming appointment stating as Wa Wa was the site of the birthplace of Canadian statehood and the present capital of the republic of Manitoba his upcoming appointment will have an enormous historical impact. Vance stated the following upon attending a Proud Boys Reunion at an undisclosed Washington pizzeria, “It is an honour to accept this appointment to a city that powers the Canadian economy. Our presence in Wa Wa will solidify the enormous pride all Canadians share as a result of becoming the 51st state of the United States. My first act of administration of Wa Wa will be to offer an amnesty to all residents convicted of chowing down on dogs and cats. Wa Wa will be the pride of the 51st state of the United States, Canada State and it is the intention of federal and state governments that Wa Wa be the capital of Canada State. Once Canada State Governor Wayne Gretzky is sworn in as Governor of Canada State details of a grand inauguration will be announced.”

RKS 2025 Wine: Is this Chilean La Junta Carménère Stomping About in a Militaristic Fashion?

Junta is an unfortunate name for a Chilean winery considering the brutal dictatorship of General Pinochet and his junta buddies in 1973 Chile leading to the overthrow and murder of democratically elected Salvador Allende. Thousands of Chileans were tortured, murdered or simply “disappeared”.

Putting aside the unsavory connotations of junta in this wine’s name let’s give it a try.

Aroma: As befitting Chilean Carménère redolent with raspberry. Also blueberry, black cherry, strawberry and some mocha.

Palate: Low in the tannin tank. Firm structure ring fencing much of the fruit from the palate. Short finish.

Personality: If one can compare military decorations to the bouquet of the wine like General Pinochet this wine would have a chest full of hardware. But as for what is in the mouth perhaps send the winemaker for interrogation.

Food Match: A “Friday night wine” a code word for less than a stellar wine. Pizza, burgers or burritos.

Cellarbility: Drink in 2025.

Price: $14 CDN.

RKS 2025 Wine Rating: 85/100. jamessuckling.com 91.

(La Junta 2022 Reserve Carménère, Curicó Valley, Viña La Junta, Santiago, Chile, 750 mL, 13.5%).

The Penniless Pensioner: Misaligned, Maligned but Marvellous (The Final Version): Chapter 24: Reading John Lennon’s Tea Leaves: Yoko Ono’s Stuttering and Screeching

Being half Welsh and half Indian my bloodline was comfortable with high tea. I walked to the Plaza Hotel, well known for its high tea, and bought their incredible jasmine tea and some dainty cakes and sandwiches from the iconic Palm Room.

John arrived at my “pad” at 2 p.m. and we sat down to tea but not before hearing a litany of complaints about Yoko’s “stuttering and screeching vocals”. John explained it was giving him a headache! John mentioned that after our tea he would be heading down to Nashville to help a Canadian singer Stompin’ Tom Connors lay down a track “Maple Syrup and Peameal Bacon Hogtown Paradise”.

Canada’s beloved Stompin’ Tom Connors

I asked John to sprinkle a few leaves from the teapot basket in his cup. Turn it upside down in the saucer and turn it around one time while making a wish. Before giving me his cup I asked John if he wanted to hear both good and bad news. He replied that both were fine.

His wish would come true. There was a big sitar in his cup so out of the blue I asked if he had been chatting with Ravi Shankar. See what I mean by luck as he responded he had been talking with Shankar about a show in New York a few days ago. What disturbed me was a menacing figure in the darkness holding what appeared to be a sign with the initials H.C. Beside the sign there was a vehicle resembling an ambulance. John could not make any connections to H.C. and an ambulance. I explained based on my reading of the tea leaves in his cup careful of hot and cold water lest it lead to an accident. We both had a good laugh and he headed down the hall to his unit thanking me for the wonderful tea and dainties and my “powerful mysticism”. The H.C. and the ambulance began to make sense on December 8th.

PRESS RELEASE: Donald J. Trump to be Appointed as Governor General of Canada

President Elect Trump Appointed Governor General of Canada

Spoof Wire Services: 27December2024: Ottawa, Ontario: Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister Soon to Be Unelected announced today the Government of Canada has appointed President Elect Donald Trump as Governor General of Canada who will therefore become His Majesty’s representative in the Government of Canada.

Prime Minster Trudeau expressed confidence in President Elect Trump’s upcoming role as Governor General of Canada as fulfilling President Elect Trump’s longstanding desire to be recognized as royalty.

President Elect Trump expressed his appreciation of the appointment stating this will facilitate in a backward vertical integration of the United Kingdom as the 52cnd state of the United States.

Mr. Trump in a moment of gratitude repeated his offer to make Prime Minister Trudeau the Governor of Canada State the 51st state of the United States but made this offer conditional on Canada transferring all rights to its water to the United States to Eric Trump Enterprises.

President Elect Trump stated, “The United States has been subsidizing Canada to the tune of $100 gazillion dollars annually. It is payback time to recognize the generosity of the United States. I love to make “the deal” and Canada and the United States are winners here. We will start with your water to supply our water starved country and make Canadians’ lives easier as with less they will live a simpler life.”

Peter Polinever and Jag Bing leaders of the Canadian Conservative Party and Never Democrats Party were not available as spokespersons for their offices stated both were enjoying an all-inclusive vacation at Guantanamo Bay with its pristine beaches, excellent hot dogs in tomato sauce and a full range of waterboarding sports.

RKS Literature: The Sea Dictates Everything

“By the time we were off Livingston, any hope of getting into the harbour was out of the question. The entrance to Livingston Harbour is shallow with a series of low lying rocks directly in front of it. Even in calm weather you had to know your way in, as many a visiting sailor had discovered in the past. In these conditions any attempt to enter the harbour would be an act of insanity and we would almost certainly lose our lives in the process. So near and yet so far, but that’s the nature of sailing – the sea dictates everything.”

Bryce Courtenay, “Brother Fish”, 2004.

The Penniless Pensioner: Misaligned, Maligned but Marvellous (The Final Version):Chapter 23: Strolling Central Park with John Lennon: Getting Shivers from Chapmans

I met John Lennon in the lobby of the Dakota for his “guided tour” of Central Park. John explained to me the media was constantly on his tail as an ex-Beatle. We had a choice of a few service exits and slipped out to a bright spring day and headed into the park. John had put his hair in a ponytail, was wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap so he simply looked like any other celebrity New Yorker. We walked undisturbed from one end of Central Park to the other. The lagoon, the zoo, the promenade, the baseball fields and hot chestnuts. Those warm honey coated peanuts were fantastic. John had a chuckle about the carts selling Nathan franks saying he had been dinged badly eating a chili dog from a cart a few years ago. The “unpleasant poopies” he recounted with a grimace on his face.

John explained to me that he was happy to have befriended me as most people simply wanted to bask in his aura or exploit him for some purpose. He never forgot his humble days in Liverpool with Tony Sheridan, George and Paul. Vanished were the days of anonymity. The price of fame. And they were attacking Yoko Ono mercilessly in the media labelling her as the breaker upper of the Beatles. As much as New York was bad for John he was addicted by its vibes but confessed he felt a bit like a prisoner in the cell of his Dakota pad. I offered him the use of my compound in Bombay and with its grounds he and Yoko could feel less like they wee inhabiting a prison. John thanked me and said he would think about it.

John showed me the Met and the Guggenheim and suggested when I have some time that I should go there. He avoided these museums as there were so many British tourists he felt he would be “outed”. At 5th and 92 we stopped at the Jewish Museum of New York and headed downstairs to the cafeteria for some lox and bagels. John loved the cafeteria for its good food and lack of tourists.

We returned to the Dakota and John asked me to join him for some ice cream. Yoko had a strange looking woman visitor called Yayoi Kusama dressed in equal parts doll and a clown. John told me she was a famous Japanese artist. We had some of John’s favourite ice cream from Toronto. It was Chapman’s a brand I knew well but that name Chapman suddenly sent shivers up and down my spine. Strange. Did I sense something foreboding? I thanked John for his hospitality and asked him if I could read his tea leaves at a low tea I would host. My granny in India Sula had taught me the skill. Essentially it was a question of luck meeting the obvious. On occasion I was spot on. It was set up for high tea at my place the next Saturday. John said that after that he was flying to Nashville for a recording session.