“The Penniless Pensioner: Misaligned, Maligned but Marvellous” :Chapter 10: More Editorial Interference from Wuhan Wet Market Publishing: What I Don’t Like About Canadians

I am trying to write my biography here collaborating with the renowned journalist Robert K. Stephen but yet again Wuhan Wet Market Publishing is interfering with my creative process. I received a call from senior editor Natasha Polehead stating I should refrain from comparing Canadians to Indians, Brits and Americans as I will alienate readers and the name of the publishing game is money. You don’t make money by pissing off Brits, Indians and Yanks it seems. I had planned to talk about obesity, politics, culture and a whole lot of comparative points. I signed a rather hasty contract with Wuhan and I have no wiggle room. So what I will do to even up the score is tell you readers what I don’t like about Canadians.

Canadians have many great qualities as well as Brits, Indians and Yanks but of course the all-knowing Wuhan Wet Market Publishing thinks they know better than I do so I can’t praise Indians, Brits and Yanks.

No Canadians don’t fornicate on the beaches of Spain like the Brits, storm capitals and try to hang politicians like Americans they don’t like or cozy up to the Russians like Indians do. They have a quiet superiority complex to the world. The great neutral peacekeepers. The polite and respectful people. They travel in Europe and strut about with their maple leaf flags and think the world will come running to them with open arms. I call it quiet arrogance. And then there are the hidden closets of residential schools, the shameful treatment of early Chinese immigrants and well why go on. Are you happy now Wuhan Wet Market Publishing?

RKS Film: “Tehranto”: Intelligent Romance Film

There is rather large TV market for cornball romantic films and after seeing previews for films churned out by Heart & Home or Harlequin Films could one conclude their films are best suited for the Girl Guides?

With trepidation I watched “Tehranto” expecting a formulistic romance film but was pleasantly surprised with an intelligent and mature romance film. The narration by Navid Negahban was just about the great star of the film the tone and content being sarcastic, witty and astoundingly comforting. And the ending is far from true love conquers all. Viewers may be waiting for that mega embrace and symphonic music but instead there is doubt! Nothing is clear cut!

The two components in “Tehranto” are Tehran and Toronto. Yes the film is set in my home town about Sharon (Mo Zeighami) born of Iranian parents in Toronto who left Iran prior to the “Revolution” that gradually became a theocratic regime crushing any opposition. Sharon’s parents consider themselves more Parisian than Persian. Sharon has little ties with Iran as she feels Iran has turned its back on so many Iranians. Sharon’s mother Tessa (Masha Ghorbankarmi) is a successful real estate agent and her father (Ali Badshah) is an arrogant man and hardly likeable.

Badi (Sammy Azero) was born in Iran and escaped post “Revolution” to Toronto where he is completing his medical studies. He still obsesses about Iran and events there despite having left for Canada some 13 years ago. While Sharon considers herself Canadian of Iranian descent Badi is ostensibly Iranian but internally conflicted about exactly who he is. Badi’s family is poor his father delivering pizza and his mother unemployed. They are very welcoming of Sharon. But at a painful first family dinner with Badi at Sharon’s Richmond Hill palace her father Fred is a nasty and vindictive monster cornering and insulting Badi who explodes and tells Fred to “go fuck yourself Sir” not a phrase you hurl to a traditional Iranian father let alone any father. Even the narrator tells us he has no wish to stay for dinner after seeing what direction the dinner is heading towards. The dinner scene is as painful as the dinner scene with the parents in “Annie Hall” was ribald.

I should interject here and say the Iranians I have met in Toronto refer to themselves as Persians and not Iranians. It is almost as if they are embarrassed by the direction the theocracy has led the nation towards.

While romance is serious stuff the probing into the immigrant mentality, culture clash, family dynamics and the effects of assimilation are dealt with in the film in an intelligent and sensitive manner. There is a bit of humour to lighten the load through the amusing narration and the antics of Sharon and Badi’s pals although this is at no times a Roonie romp!

You can see the trailer here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXGaBnwesXQ

Directed by Faran Moradi.

RKS Film Rating 81/100.

There will be a Canadian theatrical release on November 25th.

RKS Wine: Cave Spring 2019 Estate Chardonnay

When it comes to readily available white table wine from Niagara, Riesling and Chardonnay rule the roost. I have a challenging time with Ontario Rieslings for a multitude of reasons but not so with Chardonnay. Cave Spring was kind enough to send me a bottle of their 2019 Estate Chardonnay for review just before a wintery blast socked Toronto and Niagara in the face.

The wine is from Beamsville Bench and I was just in their Beamsville tasting room a couple of weeks ago in 25-degree (Celsius) temperature with fall ending blazing gold everywhere. Now that wonderful image and equally wonderful Cave Spring Gamay, Cabernet Franc and Pinot Noir tried at the tasting room are but a very good memory.

So what about the Cave Spring Estate 2019 Chardonnay that just missed travelling in a nasty snowstorm?

Moderately gold in colour. On the nose pineapple, mango, South African tangerine, marzipan and peach with moderate oak notes. On the palate Greaves apricot jam, Sweet Israeli grapefruit, Niagara pear Galette, butterscotch and guava with a peppery finish. Beautifully integrated acids so important to sippable white wines. The oak influence in the wine is moderately high

Yes I could mention chicken in a tarragon cream sauce or a vongole pasta as a food pairing but you may find this matching well with Oka, Camembert and Canadian aged cheddar. As Christmas is creeping up if you are having turkey (with minimal cranberry sauce) this might be your choice. The winery suggests crispy shrimp, crab stuffed ravioli, grilled tempeh with roasted cauliflower, pan seared halibut and roast capon and I will not debate that.  While the wine is sippable due to the oak influence after a glass it seems to call for food. Isn’t that what wine was invented for?

$19.95 is more than a fair price for the wine. And given the jack up at The LCBO for California wine $19.95 may just be compelling.

Ontario residents or those close to an LCBO in Quebec and Manitoba this Chardonnay is now just available in your Vintages section or you may order directly from the winery. European and American readers there may be a distributor in your country than can make this available to you. Check their website at https://cavespring.ca/

The wine is from the Cave Spring Vineyard on the Niagara Escarpment known as the Beamsville Bench. Limestone and clay soil. Chardonnay does particularly well in limestone soils. The average age of the vines is 31 years. 70% of the juice fermented in French oak and 30% in stainless steel with 10% of the oak new. Drink until 2030.

(Cave Spring Estate Chardonnay, Cave Spring Vineyard, VQA Beamsville Bench, Niagara Escarpment, Cave Spring Vineyard, Jordan, Ontario, $19.95, Liquor Control Board of Ontario # 25652, 13.5%, RKS Wine Rating 92/100).

“The Penniless Pensioner: Misaligned, Maligned but Marvellous” :Chapter 9: What I like About Canadians! Calm and Quiet

Halfway into my first term at Montreal’s McGill University I have begun to appreciate the Canadian character. What do I like most about Canadians?

As you may recall I went on a farewell tour with my mom Juanita Billabong and we did cover many cities in the United States so I have a focal point to compare Canadians with. Plus my years in India have given me insights into the British and Indian characteristics.

Canadians are calm and quiet and one might even call them boring. They speak softly particularly in public as if they deeply respect their fellow citizens. They rarely become excited unless of course it is a matter of hockey, Tim Smorten’s coffee and Kraft Dinner. By the way a spaz at heart I joined the McGill intramural hockey league doing my best not to embarrass myself. Indians on skates can be a sight for sore eyes!

The Americans I encountered were much louder particularly in public where they seemed to like shouting especially if trying to make a point. Americans can be quiet but I recall seeing American tourists in India and they were loud in manner, speaking and in dress style. Americans become particularly agitated when there are no Kentucky Fried Chickens, Burger Kings or McDonald’s about. I recall eating with my father Paneer at the Bombay Ritz-Carlton and rest assured the ladies and gentlemen of the Ritz-Carlton did not appreciate Billy Bob Sonburnt from Plum City Arkansas eating gourmet food with his baseball hat on and then loudly complaining he wanted real American food not this spicy Indian slop! The dining room chortled when Billy Bob loudly proclaimed when he returned home he was heading to McDonald’s for some “real American food.”

Indians are never quiet and calm and always shouting and gesturing about something but that’s our national character and you learn to live with it. I often think it is all just an act.

The Brits I encountered in Bombay were so very quiet and polite but turn your back on them and they were vicious backstabbing brutes particularly if you were not illy white or of the right economic class. Yes who said it was India only that had the untouchables!

RKS Poetry: “The bald and beady eyed man and the fascists”

The bald and beady eyed man and the fascists

The bald and beady eyed man
works relentlessly to “save” Mother Russia from the fascists
who is saving Russia from the beady eyed fascist?

Robert K. Stephen

RKS Wine:  Ontario Sparklers A Trio

  1. Konzelman Méthode Cuve Close Sparkling Rosé

Produced by the tank method. On the nose loads of strawberry, raspberry with BC cherry. On the palate a nice acidic bite but more than a bite it also has fruit with a strong undercurrent, brief as it may be, of Niagara cherries that bring a tiny hit of sweetness before it snaps back into a dry mode with a barely discernible wave of freshly squeezed Orri tangerine juice. This may match a Thanksgiving and Christmas turkey.

Drink by the end of 2023.

(Konzleman Méthode Cuve Close Sparkling Rosé, VQA Ontario, $19.95, Liquor Control Board of Ontario # 184176, 750 mL,12%, RKS Wine Rating 89/100).

  • Nomad Sparkling Firefly II 2019 Rosé

From Hinterbrook Estate Winery in Niagara we have this wine which is produced by the tank method and has a blend of 90% Cabernet Franc and 10% late harvest Cabernet Sauvignon.

On the nose cherry, watermelon and a touch of banana. On the palate there is some gentle acidity and fizz. So many sparkling wines are so dry and acidic they burn which many wine writers call “palate cleansing”. The addition of the late harvest Cabernet Sauvignon hustles this from a brut to a demi-sec. You’ll pick up a bit of residual sugar here. Notes of apricot, peach and mango. A good sipper as opposed to a rip snorter palate cleanser. Again a great match with turkey and also with a roast ham and mashed potatoes and carrots. Keep it simple.

(Nomad Firefly II Sparkling 2019, VQA Ontario, Hinterbrook Estate Winery, Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario, $17.95, Liquor Control Board of Ontario # 20377. 750 mL, 12.5%, RKS Wine Rating 88/100).

  • Trius Brut (NV)

Made by the traditional method, just like Champagne, from Ontario we have a Trius Brut.

Light gold in color with a very slight greenish hue.

A lively and frisky nose. Big updraft of muskmelon, pear, apple and mango. On the palate a cutting sharpness with a tangy boundary of tartness. Loads of wet stone and a tad of grapefruit. A blend of Chardonnay and Pinot Noir. Oysters with this one!

(Trius Brut, VQA Niagara Peninsula, Trius Winery, Niagara-on-the-Lake, $27.95, Liquor Control Board of Ontario # 284539, 750mL, 12%, RKS Wine Rating 90/100.

“Travels to a Different Time” : 10September2022: Thessaloniki Greece: Arthritis Attack

For whatever reason one knee started flaring up in the middle of the night with intense pain and throbbing. I applied some anti-inflammatory cream I had prescribed at a special compounding pharmacy in Toronto. It supposedly takes two days to kick in. Had a delicious breakfast of smoked salmon, watermelon, fresh country bead, poached eggs and two cups of green tea. Headed up to the beautiful Agia St. Sophia where I made the mistake of sitting down as getting up after a rest was painful. Walking at downward and upward angles is not great for the knee. Any visions of a long walk were dashed so read on the expansive balcony and had a Hellas Pils beer certainly not a great beer but a good thirst quencher. I noted the marketplace has decreased over the years in terms of size and vendors. What a shame this market is shrivelling.

As our meal last night at Kafenion Restaurant was so good we returned for a repeat visit. It has been in business since 1945 which is about the average age of the patrons. Had ouzo, 500 mls of Moschofilero, cuttlefish, octopus with bread and a Cretan salad for 52 Euros.

Limped home to watch the incessant coverage of the death of England’s Queen Elizabeth II. Irrelevant to me as she is not my queen. The Brits on the telly have fallen hook line and sinker for an undemocratic institution. The monarchy are tabloid royalty! There was a small demonstration on the boardwalk apparently wanting the release of imprisoned far right New Dawn leaders. New Dawn was wiped out in the last general election. The are virulently anti-immigrant

“The Penniless Pensioner: Misaligned, Maligned but Marvellous: Chapter 8: Minah My 140 Kilo Sweetheart

You may recall Minah by little hummingbird of a sweetheart in Montreal. Well I had been accepted to McGill University in Montreal with a full Claire and Warren Quimby Scholarship For the Disadvantaged in the Third World. I didn’t need the tuition money but seeing the bastards the First World can produce, particularly the Brit colonialists at the Kings College for Young Men in Bombay out of a matter of revenge I decided to accept it. So a few months in advance of term starting I decided to scope out Montreal a bit and of course take advantage of Schwartz’s smoked meat and kosher dill pickles.

And it was time to see Minah my delicate sweet bird of love …my precious dainty hummingbird. Well that hummingbird had swelled into a penguin with a very large plus size girth close to 140 kilos with a very bad case of acne and an ominous cloud of depression. Of course, I was taken aback! The vile terrorist action of her brother Abdul bombing my mother Juanita’s airplane out of the sky wreaked havoc with both her body and brain. Her mother and father lamented I was not on board that plane referring to me as an infidel devil! Seems I had become their Lawrence of Arabia. They were still pressuring her to be what she referred to as a “Burka Babe”. The relentless pressure and horrific act of her brother was too much to bear. She needed psychiatric help not me. So we parted our ways. I recall walking away seeing Minah laughing as if possessed like Linda Blair in “The Exorcist”.

My main mission was to secure accommodation in Montreal. I lived a very swank life in Bombay so the thrill of a fleabag apartment on Durocher Street in the McGill Student Ghetto with all the liberated from home middle class students did not appeal to me. Both the Ritz-Carlton and Four Seasons hotels were more or less across the street from McGill and I chose the Four Seasons Presidential suite. Living at the Ritz-Carlton would be just a bit flashy so I settled for the Four Seasons. I am a man of discretion.

“The Penniless Pensioner: Misaligned, Maligned But Marvellous” :Chapter 7: That Bastard Montreal Murderer Killed My Mom Juanita!

I was somewhat roused by several visits the American Federal Bureau of Investigation and the Chief of the Bombay Police Inspector Suri Saleem paid to me. Did my mother have any enemies I was aware of they repeatedly queried. I knew of no enemies. They returned to ask me if I had any enemies. Me! I am just an unknown teenager. They spilt the beans. The crash of the airplane that killed Juanita was not due to metal fatigue but due to a plastic explosive commonly used by Albanian security forces. Traces were identified in an FBI laboratory. Wait a minute! My dearest Iraqi sweetheart in Montreal’s brother, Abdul, had been in the Iraqi military as an explosive expert Minah had told me. Well it wasn’t that long before a trail led to Abdul as the perpetrator. Sensing he was being closed in he fled to Albania and from there he took a Juginthehead Airlines flight to Pyongyang in North Korea. The investigators were puzzled why the explosives that brought down my mom’s Sobranj Airlines flight originated in Albania and why Abdul had fled to North Korea. As Inspector Saleem said this case was a tough nut to crack. I vowed to hunt down that bastard and stick a wad of plastic explosives up his ass. When would that be was a question but it was not a question. It was an imperative!

RKS Literature: Passage of the Day: The Safety of Marriage

“I do not know if the pimp’s album may not have been another link in the daisy-chain; but soon after, for my own safety, I decided to marry. It occurred to me that regular hours, home cooked meals, all the conventions of marriage, the prophylactic routine of its bedroom activities and, who knows, the eventual flowering of certain moral values, of certain spiritual substitutes might help me, if not to purge myself of my degrading and dangerous desires, at least keep them under pacific control. “

“Lolita” Vladimir Nabokov