“My Life as a Golf Marshall” :Welcome to the Oven! Summer Golf in Toronto

I’ll take a cool fall day with brilliant colours surrounding me hoping that the chill wakes up my hidden golf abilities!

Summer in Toronto in the past couple of years has been nothing short of brutal. You know how bad it can be that golfers are soaked through at 10:30 a.m. and complaints about slow pace are replaced by dehydrated golfers almost begging for the refreshment cart. Humidity would seem to be an enemy of a good game score wise. Many golfers have remarked after 15 holes with sweat rolling down their face and into their eyes they just want the game to end quickly.

I had made a suggestion that the golf cart refreshment brigade be doubled to a cart serving the front nine and another serving the back nine. It has fallen on a deaf ears. I am trying to ensure happy golfers in Hades realm but the third party refreshment provider lacks much commercial sense. Those who ignore a profit-making opportunity…what do we call them?

What does heat and heat paired with humidity do. It slows the pace particularly the later the start in the day the more impact the heat and humidity have. Humid air is “thick” and slows the trajectory of the ball.

While the chilly spring climes on a golf cart make life miserable for a Marshall due to the wind chill created by zipping around on a golf cart the zipping around in heat creates a natural cooling effect at least when you are moving and a Marshall often makes stops for conversation and to make requests to speed up. So a Marshall can feel the heat and humidity but the smart Marshall know where the shade is and can advantage of that.

I will chill a litre of water in a flask and take a root beer or San Pellegrino fruit drink and hydrate galore. Despite all this at the end of a shift in the summer whatever the hour I am drained. On my stressful Sunday 12-5 shift a chilled beer afterwards in the backyard is a prerequisite to moving on to normal life. I have no appetite only a thirst for a bitter thirst-quenching Ontario craft brew IPA.

Summer golf can be hell but golf addiction defies realities and that addiction powers golfers through Dantes Inferno. The cart lady has huge beer sales and attendant tips! She walks away with 4 times more than I do per hour. Oh injustice!

RKS Wine: The Penniless Pensioner Ratches Down His Cali Cab Expectations!

The Penniless Pensioner appears flushed with cash but his period of austerity has infused a “budget streak” in the man who laments the amount of money he once spent on trophy wines. He seems to have an obsession to troll the bottom end of the monetary scale for wine and he loves the challenge to find a bargain. I advised PP I found a Liquor Control Board of Ontario store manager mark down of a Monterey California Cabernet Sauvignon from $17.95 to $12.95. PP is excited hoping he will have discovered Nirvana. His base house wine in the California Cabernet Sauvignon category was Mount Veeder Winery Cab from Napa selling at the Liquor Control Board of Ontario for $70.

I tell PP that the winery is located in Greenfield a hotbed of legal and illegal cannabis cultivation in California at least until the megacorps started edging out the smaller growers. PP quips noting he hopes the winemakers were not stoned when they made the wine! He then goes into a diatribe about Celine Serpent his most likely ex-fiancé after that disastrous open house barbeque. He snickers Celine was most likely a low life stoner taking her CBD and THC for her arthritis. Why he exclaims he never saw her limping and in pain so it’s just an excuse to be a stoner. I try to explain there is such a thing as medical cannabis. I also suggest that as Celine is not limping around perhaps the CBD and THC is working. I just get a frustrated retort about that damn Trudeau legalizing cannabis. I don’t bother saying that cannabis was legal until 1937 in the United States until the rise of Big Pharma that had an interest in selling chemicals.

So we try the super discounted Cab. If worse comes to worse I’ll use it in cooking.

In colour black cherry. On the nose blueberry, black cherry, blackberry and a bit of charcoal. On the palate mild tannins. One gets the sense of very ripe grapes used to make the wine and there is no problem with that unless they are simply too ripe and the sugar content is upped making many cheaper wines tasting like cough syrup. This wine is not chop and screw for sure but it is has a rather whopping 10 grams of sugar per litre. That is quite high as most red wines of the dry variety come in at 2-3 grams. Its palate lacks character. Short finish. On deeper reflection there are notes of prunes and coffee which are for me indicators of wine made from overly ripe grapes.

The wine was aged for 10 months in French, Hungarian and American oak 30% which was new.

Monterey is in the Northern Central Coast. The Central Coast of California is a huge wine producing region.

If you were eating a burger either a veggie or meat one or a simple pasta sauce with fresh Ontario field tomatoes this would be a palatable match. However taken on its own it is nothing special an attribute of the majority of wines on the market.

(District 7 2018 Cabernet Sauvignon, Monterey, California, Estate Grown, Scheid Family Wines, Greenfield California, $12.95 with manager discount down from $17.95, LCBO # 10473, 750 mL,13.5%, Robert K. Stephen A Little Birdie Told Me So Rating 85/100).

“My Life as a Golf Marshall” :Rain, Sleet or Snow: The Unpredictable Canadian Spring! (April 11, 2021)

I notice I am paying very close attention to the weather as I’ll be out in it as long as it is not pouring rain, there is lightning or snow is falling. The weather forecasts are atrociously inaccurate The golf season will run from April 1 to sometime in November when it is simply too cold to golf.

Today I drove to the course in medium velocity rainfall asking myself who on earth would be golfing on a day like today? Well there are golf fanatics that would play in their snowshoes if they could and yes despite the rain there are a dozen golfers on the course and when there are golfers in action you need a Marshall for safety and liability purposes.

I drag a towel from the back seat of my car we use for the dog but I could not find my rain pants so I pray to the golf gods the rain lets up. And thank goodness an hour later it’s gone and the golfers increase in volume but nothing too much to handle.

An overjoyed young lady tells me of her first birdie ad I congratulate her. A birdie is always a special feeling. Another golfer on 18 tells me he’s just played the best game of his life.

My hands take an hour to warm up. I had to return to the car and get my gloves.

I chat here and there and even those having a bad game are in good spirits. Golf can do that to you. But it also has the possibility to turn you into a raging maniac and golf clubs can be thrown into the water!

So today I have ordered a Misty Mountain set of rain pants. I am ready for anything in this unpredictable spring. You have to be prepared or mother nature will kick your ass. You can’t underestimate the wind chill created by zipping around in a golf cart.

Of course, there are viciously hot days coming and I have an unpleasant feeling a light snowfall and the inevitable frost delays as fall creeps closer.

So by way of analogy, I am part of the US Mail slogan that neither rain, sleet or snow will keep a golf Marshall from being on duty. On those cold or rainy days have pity on the golf Marshall. As a last comment a Golf Marshall should enjoy dealing with people. There is no room for confrontation or argumentation. You may need a thick skin! Time will tell. But poor weather may mean less golfers which might lead to loneliness and too many may lead to frustration where the weather is fine as the more golfers the more problems such a jam ups and more beer consumption which are the biggest sins a golf Marshall will have to deal with

RKS Wine: The Penniless Pensioner is Rolling in Dough; Are South African Wines Beneath Him?

We last left the Penniless Pensioner stewing over his impending marriage to “converted lesbian” Celine Serpent.

Well he phoned me gleefully the other night saying his Panamanian bank accounts had been unfrozen and cash was rolling his way. He bought a small house in the Leaside area of Toronto and drives a new Volvo S 60. He says that as an old rich man he should be driving a Porsche with a “real woman” at his side….preferably twenty years younger and much better looking than him. The ageing rich man syndrome.

I admit I see his newfound wealth as tenuous knowing that Canada Revenue Agency is cracking down on offshore accounts. The fact that he acted as counsel for Bernie Madoff on certain transactions make the amount of money in the Panamanian bank accounts stink a bit.

In any case to celebrate his new house purchase he is hosting an open house barbeque and he has already bought a few cases of South African wine saying that this is where the bargains are. Could I try a couple of the wines and give him my opinion? It will be a catered affair by Toronto’s “The Butler” with the main BBQ fare being wild Coho salmon from British Columbia and beef tenderloin both served with a fresh green salad and baked potatoes and grilled corn.

PP wants something versatile that will be pre-BBQ and served with BBQ.

He chose a Mulderbosch Cabernet Sauvignon Rosé as a farewell to summer and a good match for the salmon. It is mid-pink in colour with a slight orange tinge to it. It has rather a riveting nose of strawberry and raspberry. It has a solid texture to it and it teeters on being a full- bodied rosé. On the palate there is tangerine, strawberry with a smattering of watermelon and sweet red grapefruit. It has a moderate finish.

It will suit the grilled salmon to a tee and is also a great sipper. Gone are the days of me blowing absurd amounts of money on wine PP says. He thanks me for showing him that there can be winners in the bargain bin and at $13.95 this is a winner. I can only hope PP will be a winner with the Canada Revenue Agency when and if that time comes.

As for Celine Serpent she will be attending the open house. It is obvious by the way PP is talking about her he is pining for her!

(Mulderbosch Cabernet Sauvignon Rosé 2020, WO Coastal Region, Mulderbosch, Stellenbosch, South Africa, $13.95, Liquor Control Board of Ontario # 999821, 750 mL, 12.5%, Robert K. Stephen A Little Birdie Told Me So Rating 89/100).

We move to a M.A.N. Family Wines Syrah from the Coastal region of South Africa. On the nose I might venture to say it has characteristics of a warm climate Syrah. On the nose a bit of that hallmark earthy South African funk. There is smoke, black cherry, blackberry, dates and smoked meat. On the palate it has mild tannins so makes it a great sipper. On the palate it has a low tannic threshold. Rather smooth but not anemic. There are notes of choke cherry, cassis, red plum and date squares. Short finish. I wish for more tannins to stand up to rare tenderloin but as we move to above rare beef where tannins are less important to break down the protein in the beef the wine will excel. So whilst a good sipper it limps in as a match for the beef. PP makes a statement that “Forgive them as they know not about wine”.

(M.A.N. Family Wines Skaapveld Syrah 2019, Coastal Region, M.A.N. Vintners, South Africa, $14.95, Liquor Control Board of Ontario # 71332, 750 mL, 13.5%, Robert K. Stephen A Little Birdie Told Me So Rating 89/100).

As the night progresses and the alcohol is being drained by guests I see in the corner of the backyard Celine Serpent hurling a glass of Syrah in PP’s face staining his Harry Rosen shirt. Oh my! And to add fire to the awkwardness the poop on PP’s new Volvo does not look like racoon poop!

“My Life as a Golf Marshall” :“So *ing Cold on My Training Day” (April 3, 2021)

Yes up at 4:45 a.m. with my West Highland Terrier, a senior, barking for a “piddle” in the backyard. As the alarm was set for 05:45 for a 7 a.m. start no sense in getting back to bed so a shave and a change into a warm outfit with three sweaters as it is bloody cold. Minus 9 overnight so the green of the course is topped by a white layer.

I pour some tea into a vacuum container and head out to meet G an experienced Marshall at this busy Toronto golf course. G is to train me.

We zip out for a quick 18-hole tour with a do and don’t lesson and reams of paperwork. I thought I had retired from doing billion dollar deals as a lawyer. Here I have a bunch of paperwork 75% of which I barely understand but I suppose I will have to master the bureaucracy somehow without any practical experience.

I have three sweaters on and I am so cold with the wind chill factor in zipping around with a cart I am shivering and by God a shot of vodka might be just the thing!

Yet there is a severe alcohol policy at the course. Ask the patron who has brought his own booze on the course to dump it and hand over to me so he or she can pick up on their way out. Belligerent and insulting responses then call the clubhouse who can have Toronto by-law enforcement officers sent to deal with it. And you as a Marshall say keep on drinking your own liquor boys and the police will be waiting for you at the parking lot. And you’ll be stuck for hours before you get in your car when you are sobered up. Cannabis? Leave them alone. Golf course booze has a big fluorescent label tied around the can so you can detect if its smuggled or golf cart course supplied. But there are many tricks of concealment and when you see a Marshall coming cover it with a towel. I suppose at $2.45 a can at the Beer Store is cheaper than $6 golf cart beer plus tip. Alcohol consumption a matter of profit over safety?

Under no circumstances touch a golfer. If so you are fired. Like the feeling of being a eunuch in a harem?

Always be polite. “It would be great if you could speed up just a bit.” As a golfer you can be fuming about the idiots ahead of you. As a Marshall there are no idiots. Actually there are but you can’t say that just smile and be a happy Marshall.

All your interactions with golfers are written down whether it be a friendly greeting or urging.

A Marshall is a diplomat pleading with the 90% decent human beings and puzzling how to deal with 10% dicks who according to G will be dicks forever. Unfortunately as we have seen in American politics there are too many diehard dicks.

So being untrained and full of support for golfers I have been dealing with for 25 years as a golfer they say take it easy. We like your initiative today.

Just don’t be a Judge Judy they say…the accountants that seem to be the ruling caste of golf Marshalls.

Speaking of caste the golfers are 96% male and 70% white. A few Chinese and Koreans and one women in the morning crowd. The golfing crowd is a throwback to the 1960’s. However there are a slew of teen golfers who take advantage of a special annual junior rate. Even Rodney Dangerfield could get respect from these polite youngsters! For some reason the fall weather swells the number of Korean golfers.

Due to a frost delay of three hours and 45 minutes my training is 15 minutes. Have I been thrown to the wolves?

“Reggie the Egyptian Rescue Dog” :Reggie Says Thank You and Good-Bye

As a 15-year-old dog telling you my story about the first three years of my life has made me realize how lucky and happy I am. There has been sadness and tragedy in my life but that’s life isn’t it. Telling you my story has been like being on an emotional rollercoaster. It has exhausted me.

One lesson you may wish to take away is that however humble your beginnings you can rise to incredible heights if you try. Of course not every person or dog will succeed and again that’s life isn’t it?

What have I learnt is that humans can be both cruel and compassionate. As a dog I say there is hope for you humans yet!

I have also been a testament that horrible situations can be blessings. If I had not been injured by that Rottenwhiler dog in Cairo I never would have been rescued by Snookie’s Society and brought to Toronto.

I have discovered a unified spirituality amongst humans although stupidly most of them fail to realize that. I often said I prayed to Allah however after meeting religious leaders and seeing my favourite BBC documentaries humans from a “primitive society” in the deep Amazonian rain forest and humans from “advanced societies” are looking beyond themselves for answers about why they are on earth. If only you humans would take the time to REALLY LISTEN TO EACH OTHER the world would be a better place.  

As a closing comment I am puzzled why so many dogs are badly treated? What bad have they done to humans except wanting to be loved and cared. What price is it to cuddle and take care of a creature that really can’t take care of itself. Why in Egypt do they shoot and poison street dogs? Who is the animal the dog or the human?

I don’t want to say good-bye on a sad note. I have enjoyed taking my journey with you dear readers. At 15 I am in the twilight of my years and look forward to travelling to the land beyond to meet with my first master Anwar and my dearest friends Dillie the Westie and Karim another Snookie’s dog. Look out world beyond the Rat Pack is coming! And remember NEVER EVER MESS WITH A STREET DOG FROM CAIRO!

I may be back with more stories after I rest up a bit.

God bless!

Poetry Corner: “Do you Remember Those Fascist Days?”

 Do You Remember Those Fascist Days?

If you have seen as many World War Two Films
as I have
you may have found the fascination by those nasty Nazis
always asking for identity papers as obsessive and overbearing!
oh by the way do you have your vaccination certificates and photo identification?
and the health workers who refuse vaccination are sent to re-education camps
is this what my Uncle Bill who at 22 died in France shot down by a German pilot died for
as Remembrance Day is coming soon think about it

Robert K. Stephen

“My Life as a Golf Marshall” :What Does a Golf Marshall Do?

A golf Marshall is a golf course ambassador meaning in many cases a job description is impossible as it means handling whatever can come up. Primarily it is moving the game along. It’s called keeping pace. In the ideal world there is an interval between foursomes teeing off every 10 minutes so the space should be always 10 minutes between golfers with no jam ups or bottlenecks throughout the entire 18 holes. But this rarely happens and why? Most golfers should be playing ready golf which means playing individually and not congregating waiting for each golfer to hit and then dispersing for their own shot. It is fine to walk together down the fairway for a bit of time but at some point golfers should head for the ball they strike for their next hit. Not always done particularly by juniors. Then there is the golfer hunting for their lost ball or looking for other’s lost balls. And then there can be the golfer taking five practice swings and duffing the ball. Inconsiderate and rude golfers are the bane of the Marshall who has to be polite and say speed it up or walk to the next hole or leave the course. On the other hand as etiquette courses are not mandatory the laggard golfer may be blissfully ignorant.

So it is a diplomatic game where you feel like saying “You are not a particularly good golfer. You should be playing at a pitch and putt and why the * are you taking more time than a professional golfer to hit your ball. Hit the * ball”. No you are a diplomat saying please, please can you help me and keep pace. If you can’t politely enforce pace you have no career as a Marshall. Sorry “career” is a bad choice of words.

Then you may have to ferry a late golfer to his/her group. You may need to take bandages and ice to a golfer that has scraped a bodily extremity on a rough edge of a golf cart or ferry an elderly golfer up to their car.

Be ready for just about anything. Be patient. Be compassionate. Be even tempered. Do not be overbearing. Be Mother Theresa. Blessed be those who are rude, selfish and ignorant.

Before I go a Marshall loves those who play ready golf in a true Scottish tradition. Walk up to the ball, select a club based on intuition and experience without a viewfinder gauging distance. HIT THE BALL. ONE PRACTICE SWING. PUTT WITHOUT ANY PRACTICE STROKES. MOVE QUICKLY TO THE NEXT HOLE. The Marshall’s dream is seeing golfers are ready golfers.

CREW 2019 Riesling: A Unique Lake Erie North Shore Perspective

I have been to Colchester Ridge Estate Winery (CREW) a few times. It was a rather rustic winery then but things have changed and perhaps it is time to revisit and catch up with progress.

I have had a soft spot for CREW Riesling as I find it more Germanic in style than many of the the Vinho Verde type Niagara Rieslings. You’ve heard my opinion on that before so I best steer clear of a further discussion!

The wine has a light gold colour. Aromas of guava, lime, pineapple and tangerine. On the palate it is just on the edge of off dry. The label says expect racy acidity? That is puzzling as I find it lacking in acidity let alone racy acidity. But I’ll take a softer and slightly sweeter Riesling any day and in my opinion that is what CREW is delivering here. On the palate it is smooth with notes of kiwi, Orri tangerine and honey crisp apples. The finish is short.

The wine is great for sipping but I recall reviewing it a few years ago thinking it would match a grilled cheese sandwich with Gruyere Cheese. I will stick with that but it hit me suddenly this would be a match for Sheppard’s Pie! The back label says pair with brie, sushi, tuna poke and perch tacos. I will not argue with that. But boy would I like to try a perch taco!

Before you act like a deer in the headlights blinded by the praise for Niagara Riesling give this one a try. By the way CREW makes a wickedly delicious Cabernet Franc!

(CREW 2019 Riesling VQA Lake Erie North Shore, Colchester Ridge Estate Winery, Harrow, Ontario, $16.95, Liquor Control Board of Ontario # 483834, $16.95, 750 mL, 11.5%, Robert K. Stephen A Little Birdie Told Me So Rating 90/100).

“Reggie the Egyptian Rescue Dog” :Wrapping Up Public Appearances For Reggie and Bob: Time For a Rest!

Quite literally Bob and I have been ripping up the globe promoting the Disney animated film “Reggie the Egyptian Rescue Dog” and his book of the same name. I am worried a bit about Bob as he looks tired and often speaks in an exhausted monotone. The travel, stress and too many hotel rooms are taking a toll on him. I am only 3 or so and have more energy and I can sleep anywhere. Bob has one last contractual commitment to appear on an American show “Dr. Phil”.

Bob and I fly into Los Angeles the day before the taping of the show. We have an early dinner with some Disney executives and are asleep by 10 p.m. The Disney limo comes at 9 in the morning to take us to Dr. Phil’s set. Dr. Phil greets us and I receive a Dr. Phil bowl full of water while Bob has some jasmine tea. Dr. Phil briefs Bob about the questions he will ask which are rather similar to all the other questions we’ve been asked on “The View”, “The Fifth Estate”, “Oprah” and the many other television shows we have been on. Bob says he has a special announcement to make and asks Dr. Phil to get Christine Gill from Snookie’s Society on the line as well as Mr. Gordon Lightfoot and Drake. They are to speak to a national audience. What has Bob got up his sleeve?

Dr. Phil asks the usual questions and then asks Bob what was in his heart when he wrote “Reggie the Egyptian Rescue Dog”. Bob comes to life and there is a sparkle in his eye. “My heart was stolen by Reggie that day we ran into him by fate at Sherwood Park in Toronto. My wife Fay and my dog Dylan really warmed up to Reggie and he even shook my hand. There was something special about him. I am not a Buddhist but they believe in auspicious connections meaning what seems random is really destiny. I am not boasting but Reggie has done a great deal to make the world better by being Reggie! A street dog from Cairo has been blessed by the Pope and is a friend of many political leaders. I mean Reggie got the Iranians and Americans talking about nuclear issues because Reggie is seen as a friend to Islam and Christianity. The world was headed to madness and Reggie helped set it on course. This Reggie is my 4th dog but like all the others he has taught me about life and how precious it is.”

The audience goes wild and gives us a standing ovation. Dr. Phil says that he has a big surprise for us which he’d like to launch into before we tell him our surprise. I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS! It is President Biden on a video feed. He says hello to the nation and explains what I have done for international relations and announces that Iran and Israel have established diplomatic relations because Americans who release a film about a Muslim dog in such a positive light deserve to be trusted. President Biden says in my honour he will pass an executive order establishing “Rescue Dog Awareness Week”. He then waves at me and says we’ll see you at Camp David next summer.

Dr. Phil looks a bit dazed. Bob then says he will establish “Reggie’s Dogs” dedicated to helping rescue dogs throughout the world. He will fund it initially with twenty million dollars. Then Mr. Gordon Lightfoot (with Bosco) and Drake appear on a video feed saying they are chipping in a million dollars each to Reggie’s Dogs.

Then there is Christine Gill from Snookie’s Society on a video feed. She looks puzzled but breaks into a big grin when Bob announces he is giving a $2 million grant to them. Snookie’s Society is an all-volunteer based non-profit rescue organization based in Toronto and Vancouver specializing in small breed dogs of late from Egypt and China. Snookie’s saved my life paying for my medical care in Cairo and flying me to Toronto. Snookie’s relies on the generosity of donors to realize their mission of safeguarding, rescuing, medically treating, spaying/neutering and finding forever homes for the dogs that enter its rescuing arms. The dogs come from local and international street abandonment, puppy mills, local shelters and facilities including dogs scheduled for euthanasia. Their rescue is 100% foster based, meaning its dogs are placed in the home of a loving volunteer foster family. The dogs are evaluated, medically cared for, loved and receive basic training skills to aid in the transition to their forever home. They have been operating for 19 years and started as a project in a humanities class. You can find more about them at http:/www.snookiessociety.com

Christine is speechless for a minute or so and in a wobbly voice thanks Bob for establishing “Reggie’s Dogs”. She waves to me and in a faltering voice thanks me for being Reggie and doing for rescue dogs what no dog has ever done before. Bob whispers in my ear that when we return to Toronto he will ask Christine to become CEO of Reggie’s Dogs!

The audience goes wild as Dr. Phil signs off. I hear my late master Anwar laughing with joy and Karim my late Snookie’s Society Cairo street dog friend barking from the land beyond. And Dillie the Westie is barking in front of the television set in Toronto for sure!

A voice in my head says, “WELL REGGIE YOU HAVE REALLY DONE IT NOW!” I give a howl of joy and the audience cheers.