Spoof News Services: 11May2026: Toronto: Toronto Mayor Molivia Dao announced today that on Canada Day the Billy Bishop Airport runway would be closed for a series of kids’ charity events.
Dao stated, “Kids are our most important assets. We love kids here in Toronto. Kids require millions of dollars for kids’ well being. There is nothing more important than shutting down main arteries in our kid friendly city to benefit Toronto’s kids. Just note with pride we shut down the Don Valley Expressway a main North South artery for the Toronto Marathon so professional marathoners can win cash prizes to support their kids in Kenya. Huge soccer and baseball matches were but slightly delayed so what’s the grief if charities benefit including kids’ charities. I said this weekend would be a test of Torontonian’s mobility for the upcoming FIFA World Cup. I am proud to say that test was a miserable failure and we are proud of that. Visitors to the city will spread the word Toronto is unforgettable and what a boon for tourism to this city!”
Dao explained that the following kids’ charities essential to the fundamental health and wellbeing of kids will benefit from scheduled events on the airport runway;
Kids Battling Hangnails
Kids Just Wanting to be Kids
Kids Battling Mobile Phone Addiction
Kids Canada Helpline for Shoelace Tying Learning
Kids Allergic to Roast Turkey
Promotion of Wholewheat Buns for Kids
The Foundation for Banning the Word Children in Canada
Kids Rights to Municipal Wading Pools.
Spokespersons for Bike Lanes for All and Roads for None, The Anti Adult League, The Greta Loonyberg Foundation and the Secaucus Christian Ladies League announced their support for the airport events.
Dao noted the annual Toronto Kids Charity Ball would be held at Toronto’s main rail station, Union Station, and would completely close the rail terminal for the evening.
Main City Council Opposition leader Radish Madford scratched his head when asked for his reaction stating, “You gotta be kidding!”
The Singapore Times Exclusive: THE ABDUCTION OF RORY DYLAN STEPHEN: KAMPONG GLAM, LITTLE INDIA AND CHINATOWN REFLECTIVE OF ETHNICITY IN SINGAPORE
As a bright white West Highland Terrier perhaps I should dare to say there are very few Caucasians visible in Singapore despite the fact of its British colonial heritage.
Ethnic Chinese comprise 75.5 % of the population, Malays 15.1% and Indians 7.6% with Eurasians at 1.8%.
Toronto has a more commercial and vibrant “traditional” Chinatown than Singapore’s although one might say Singapore in its totality is a sort of Chinatown. I was impressed by the Thian Hock Keng Temple built between 1839 and 1842 by early Chinese immigrants who came to Singapore seeking a better life. It was constructed using traditional Chinese methods serving as a place of worship for the Hokkien community. A prime example of southern Chinese temple architecture it featured intricate carvings, colourful tiles, detailed sculptures and imposing columns with its roof adorned with mythical creatures and scenes from Chinese folklore. The interior is decorated with delicate porcelain figurines and the temple’s vibrant colors and artistic elements make it a visually striking place. Often called the Temple of Heavenly Bliss it is not only a religious site it continues to be a place of active worship and a symbol of the rich cultural heritage of Singapore’s Chinese community.
Kampong Glam, the Muslim quarter and Malay enclave that originated as a fishing village at the mouth of the Rohor River. The golden domed Sultan Mosque stands out. There are many Indonesian tourists here. The main street is very commercial and lined with restaurants including two Greek restaurants! There are many traditional shophouses restored and serving as home for shops and restaurants.
Little India strikes me as jam packed and crowded with a particular food smell to it. Bobby Jr. loves the Durian juice here!
Bobby Jr. added his team of pickpockets operated in these three areas and one needed pickpockets with extraordinary skill to lift gold jewellery the Indonesian women were wearing.
While Bobby Jr. chugged down a mega Durian juice he was thoughtful to keep me hydrated with lots of Evian in a portable Gulpy. He is a thoughtful man far different than his mother the dragon lady Madame Fong. He has not mistreated me in any way.
Next stop, The Raffles Hotel garden bar for an afternoon cocktail.
THE ABDUCTION OF RORY DYLAN STEPHEN: KAMPONG GLAM, LITTLE INDIA AND CHINATOWN REFLECTIVE OF ETHNICITY IN SINGAPORE
The Singapore Times Exclusive: THE ABDUCTION OF RORY DYLAN STEPHEN: KAMPONG GLAM, LITTLE INDIA AND CHINATOWN REFLECTIVE OF ETHNICITY IN SINGAPORE
As a bright white West Highland Terrier perhaps I should dare to say there are very few Caucasians visible in Singapore despite the fact of its British colonial heritage.
Ethnic Chinese comprise 75.5 % of the population, Malays 15.1% and Indians 7.6% with Eurasians at 1.8%.
Toronto has a more commercial and vibrant “traditional” Chinatown than Singapore’s although one might say Singapore in its totality is a sort of Chinatown. I was impressed by the Thian Hock Keng Temple built between 1839 and 1842 by early Chinese immigrants who came to Singapore seeking a better life. It was constructed using traditional Chinese methods serving as a place of worship for the Hokkien community. A prime example of southern Chinese temple architecture it featured intricate carvings, colourful tiles, detailed sculptures and imposing columns with its roof adorned with mythical creatures and scenes from Chinese folklore. The interior is decorated with delicate porcelain figurines and the temple’s vibrant colors and artistic elements make it a visually striking place. Often called the Temple of Heavenly Bliss it is not only a religious site it continues to be a place of active worship and a symbol of the rich cultural heritage of Singapore’s Chinese community.es
Kampong Glam, the Muslim quarter and Malay enclave that originated as a fishing village at the mouth of the Rohor River. The golden domed Sultan Mosque stands out. There are many Indonesian tourists here. The main street is very commercial and lined with restaurants including two Greek restaurants! There are many traditional shophouses restored and serving as home for shops and restaurants.
Little India strikes me as jam packed and crowded with a particular food smell to it. Bobby Jr. loves the Durian juice here!
Bobby Jr. added his team of pickpockets operated in these three areas and one needed pickpockets with extraordinary skill to lift gold jewellery the Indonesian women were wearing.
While Bobby Jr. chugged down a mega Durian juice he was thoughtful to keep me hydrated with lots of Evian in a portable Gulpy. He is a thoughtful man far different than his mother the dragon lady Madame Fong. He has not mistreated me in any way.
Next stop, The Raffles Hotel garden bar for an afternoon cocktail.
The Singapore Times Exclusive: THE ABDUCTION OF RORY DYLAN STEPHEN: KAMPONG GLAM, LITTLE INDIA AND CHINATOWN REFLECTIVE OF ETHNICITY IN SINGAPORE
As a bright white West Highland Terrier perhaps I should dare to say there are very few Caucasians visible in Singapore despite the fact of its British colonial heritage.
Ethnic Chinese comprise 75.5 % of the population, Malays 15.1% and Indians 7.6% with Eurasians at 1.8%.
Toronto has a more commercial and vibrant “traditional” Chinatown than Singapore’s although one might say Singapore in its totality is a sort of Chinatown. I was impressed by the Thian Hock Keng Temple built between 1839 and 1842 by early Chinese immigrants who came to Singapore seeking a better life. It was constructed using traditional Chinese methods serving as a place of worship for the Hokkien community. A prime example of southern Chinese temple architecture it featured intricate carvings, colourful tiles, detailed sculptures and imposing columns with its roof adorned with mythical creatures and scenes from Chinese folklore. The interior is decorated with delicate porcelain figurines and the temple’s vibrant colors and artistic elements make it a visually striking place. Often called the Temple of Heavenly Bliss it is not only a religious site it continues to be a place of active worship and a symbol of the rich cultural heritage of Singapore’s Chinese community.es
Kampong Glam, the Muslim quarter and Malay enclave that originated as a fishing village at the mouth of the Rohor River. The golden domed Sultan Mosque stands out. There are many Indonesian tourists here. The main street is very commercial and lined with restaurants including two Greek restaurants! There are many traditional shophouses restored and serving as home for shops and restaurants.
Little India strikes me as jam packed and crowded with a particular food smell to it. Bobby Jr. loves the Durian juice here!
Bobby Jr. added his team of pickpockets operated in these three areas and one needed pickpockets with extraordinary skill to lift gold jewellery the Indonesian women were wearing.
While Bobby Jr. chugged down a mega Durian juice he was thoughtful to keep me hydrated with lots of Evian in a portable Gulpy. He is a thoughtful man far different than his mother the dragon lady Madame Fong. He has not mistreated me in any way.
Next stop, The Raffles Hotel garden bar for an afternoon cocktail.
The Singapore Times Exclusive: THE ABDUCTION OF RORY DYLAN STEPHEN: FEAR AND LOATHING IN SINGAPORE
Finally, we arrived for our late lunch at “The Crooked Crab” one of several restaurants Bobby Jr. quipped, “We own here in Singapore”.
They evidently knew Bobby Jr. and I could smell fear on them upon their greeting of us. West Highland Terriers have an incredible sense of smell not only of things but emotions. We were asked to wait for two minutes while a private room was prepared for our lunch.
I took the opportunity to observe a tour group at a nearby table wearing Tilley jungle hats with a University of Salmon Arm emblem affixed to the side of their hats. A Canadian flag too! Awfully bad manners old boy to eat hatted in a restaurant. Are these people really Canadians?
They were squabbling far too loudly with the waiter complaining why the Coca-Cola was too sweet, there were no bread and rolls or knives and forks and where were the two gluten free meals. One belligerent fellow was shouting, “I want a beer with lunch. I paid a fortune for this tour and you say only soft drinks and water are included and that I must pay for a beer!”
I overheard one woman in the group, the wife of a man looking like a member of a Quebec motorcycle gang, “Rock Machine”, complaining why there were no Tim Horton’s in Singapore such only showing how backward Singapore was.
Wait, I saw a Canadian flag! Should I bolt for freedom? Not a good idea my gut told me. This group was loathsome attributable to their arrogance and ignorance. This was Bobby Jr.’s territory and staff. These Canadian tourists were but flies in the milk. Bobby Jr. said there were two of his Viet pickpockets hovering around the tourist buses. Wallet removal was dessert on their menu!
I followed Bobby Jr. to our private room for late lunch. Singapore Chicken and rice for me with a bowl of 12 Monkey’s tea from Cambodia, one of Bobby Jr.’s favourites. Bobby had spicy Singaporean Crab which he fired up further by laying a huge snowfall of Cambodian Kampot pepper on top. Madame Fong had given Bobby Jr. a card indicating prohibited foods for Westies recommending rice, chopped meat and vegetables. But that spiced crab looked fantastic. Just what a prisoner needs!
Chinatown, Kampong Glam and Little India were next.
The Singapore Times Exclusive: THE ABDUCTION OF RORY DYLAN STEPHEN: THE SUPERSPREADERS FROM WUHAN INFECT SINGAPORE CASINO
I was under the impression we were on our way to lunch and quite frankly I was ravenous, but we had a stop at Singapore’s Resorts World Sentosa Hotel and Casino. Bobby Jr. told me the Superspreaders from Wuhan had some laundering to do. I wasn’t aware casinos had laundry facilities, so I was puzzled by his comment.
As Bobby Jr. explained it the cash he picked on a regular basis from “our business endeavours” was dirty money and had to be cleaned. Not infectious dirt as we know it but hot money that needed to be cooled down and legitimized. Cash it in into chips, play a few games and then cash the chips out and you have clean and receipted money.
The Wuhan Superspreaders were not spreading COVID in the casino but hot cash. Converting it into clean cash was akin to a vaccinating it.
The Wuhan Superspreaders were illegals “under the management’ of Bobby Jr. and taken from the ranks of “his” construction workers; they were well compensated for their casino appearances.
Twelve of them posed as a tour group from Wuhan in the PRC. A “tour leader” with a flag in hand would lead them into the casino. The flag had Wuhan in highly visible large letters on it, the Superspreaders all wore masks and a few were coughing horribly. Needless to say employees of the casino ordinarily extraordinarily diligent about the implementation of anti money laundering procedures were too terrified to adhere to them preferring to dispense of chips as rapidly as possible. Rightly or wrongly Wuhan’s reputation as ground zero for COVID had certain advantages for Bobby Jr.
An hour later Bobby had his laundered cash and off we sped for lunch.
The Singapore Times Exclusive: HOT AND SWEATY INDIANS AND BURMESE: BOBBY FONG JR.’S BULGING MANILA ENVELOPE
Bobby Jr. isn’t such a bad guy at least compared to his mother Madame Fong. I keep saying to myself a mantra “play along until the time is right”.
On our way to lunch I notice road construction everywhere with unskilled workers being Indians and Bangladeshis all very hot and sweaty looking. Come to think of it I recalled at Merlion Park earlier the same ethnicity of workers at a construction site there.
Bobby Jr. pulled off at a roadside construction project where I thought he would expel the vast amounts of Durian juice he was ingesting but instead met two men in suits and ties one of whom handed him a bulging manila envelope.
When Bobby Jr. returned to the car he explained to me thinking, of course, as a dumb dog I didn’t understand that much. “Singapore has the highest standard of living in Southeast Asia and is perceived as the land of milk and honey. So like Somalians flocking to Canada and the United States they believe money will flow their way. Some arrive legally but many sneak into Singapore and work “under the table”. What we do is work with syndicates in poorer Asian countries like Cambodia, Myanmar, Bhutan, Laos etc. who charge their locals for “placement” in Singapore and charge “us” a fee for smuggling them into Singapore. There are also pools of unemployed unskilled foreign labourers whose work permits have expired and “we” scout them out. The unskilled labourers and their employers pay us “a facilitation fee” to bribe immigration and police officials if need be to ensure they remain unmolested by the law. A very profitable business as you may discern from the USD in this manila envelope! Yep, we lose a dozen or so to heat stroke every year but plenty more waiting for the land of milk and honey”
The Singapore Times Exclusive: BOBBY FONG JR. THE FAGAN OF SINGAPORE AND NO WAY I AM TO BE OLIVER TWIST
Madame Fong’s son Bobby Jr., a fat man with a stomach the size of three Russian Wolfhounds and horrific bad breath attributable to excessive Durian consumption, was ordered by his mother to acclimatize me to Singaporean culture and its climate.
Bobby Jr. drove up to the shop house to pick me up in a huge shiny black Mercedes and tossed me in the front on a booster seat so I had a view of Singapore.
Just waiting for his car for a few minutes outside the shop house was like being hit by a wall of heat and humidity! Did someone say the seasons of Singapore are heat and rain?
Bobby Jr. pointed out this and that site but gosh Singapore is modern, clean and where were the homeless and strung-out drug addicts like in Toronto or Vancouver?
I couldn’t see much character to Singapore as it was looking veery much like a clean Canadian city but every place has its own vibe and culture, and it would take me time to discover it.
Our first stop was Merlion Park with a 28-foot high cool fishy-lion statute shooting water out of its mouth. Bobby Jr. told me Merlion is a mythical creature possessing the body of a fish and a lion. It makes sense as Singapore was once a fishing village. The lion part of Merlion is founded with Sang Nila Utama, a prince of Palembang, who was thrown by a tempest onto the shores of Singapore where he spotted a lion like creature. Hence lion and fish. In Sanskrit “Singapura” means lion city.
The Merlion fountain area was crammed full of tourists many wearing the old fogey Tilley hats that made them look like 85-year-olds! Bobby Jr. snickered and said, “Good for business these FOB tourists. Easy money if you can stand the smell of sunscreen!”
Across the bay was a very cold looking modern casino hotel. Bobby Jr. chipped in, “We launder some of our money there.”
On our way to the car Bobby Jr. sauntered off behind a row of porta potties to meet a few young skinny men all wearing sunglasses. Each one of them handed Bobby Jr. a packet wrapped in brown paper and dispersed quickly in different directions.
Once in the car Bobby Jr. turned to me and said, “Being a dog you don’t understand me, so I’ll give you the skinny. These men are highly skilled pick pockets who “we” recruit from Vietnam. They have honed their skills for generations in Vietnam, particularly in Ho Chi Minh City (once called Saigon) with years of French and American occupation of that part of Vietnam pickings from foreigners could be impressive. Pickpocketing is a generational skill in Ho Chi Minh City. The absolute elite Vietnamese pick pocketers are found in vicinity of the Long Bien bus terminal in Hanoi. They are so good they could remove all your teeth and your wallet, and you wouldn’t feel a thing. In return we provide lodgings, food and protection from Singaporean immigration and police.
If you weren’t such a high priced investment for us you could be out there diverting and distracting rich tourists already distracted by the heat and humidity and our boys would increase their haul!”
Bobby Jr. is beginning to resemble a Fagan and thank goodness I am not a new trainee like Oliver Twist was.
Bobby Jr. then said we should have lunch but first he wanted to pick up a mega sized Durian juice and a bottle of Evian for me.
“When other men ask them why they go naked and are not ashamed to show their members, they reply, “We go naked because we want nothing of this world; for we came naked and unclothed into this world. As for not being ashamed to show our members, the fact is that we do not sin with them and therefore have no more shame in them than you have when you show your hand or face or other parts of your body that do not lead you into carnal sin; whereas you use your members to commit sin and lechery, and so you cover them up and are ashamed of them.”
Marco Polo (1254-1324), “Travels in the Land of Serpents and Pearls”
“So the day after next, I bought a pile of colourful macaroons at the macaroon shop in the arcade….I placed the box of macaroons and cherries on the coffee table with a polite bow. Thanking me with a smile, she took the two boxes to the kitchen and soon returned with some coffee and the macaroons neatly arranged on a plate. I had half expected to see a maid walk in. I sipped the coffee and took a tiny bite of a macaroon. It’s such a peculiar feeling, buying macaroons. You feel like a complete idiot, and yet that absurdity makes it somehow satisfying. They’re unbearably sweet, and the outer shell never fails to stick to the roof of your mouth, and besides the name is so silly. Its infuriating how overpriced they are, only because people think they are something special. They only remind you that you’ve never once thought they tasted good.”
“It was two o’clock in the afternoon-that most vacant time of the day when the laundry is done and the vacuum put away but it’s still too early to go food shopping. The time when you feel most keenly that you are useless and the world is silently laughing at you from afar. No matter how hard you try to inflate your fantasies, mobilizing all the memories, imaginings and gossip you can muster, you just can’t seem to fill up the space.”
THE ABDUCTION OF RORY DYLAN STEPHEN: TRAPPED IN SINGAPORE IN A BAD WAY: WHAT IS MY STRATEGY?
The Singapore Times Exclusive: TRAPPED IN SINGAPORE IN A BAD WAY: WHAT IS MY STRATEGY:
I woke up at noon the following day feeling not so great. Dehydration and jet lag. I was locked in the chewing gum storage area and the smell of mint was driving me around the bend.
So here I was in Singapore stranded without Bob or Fay or for that matter anyone I knew.
There was no Westie godmother to drop from the sky and liberate me.
When I was walking with Bob on trails he often said to me when I faced some obstacle in my way what was my strategy to deal with it. I could slither under it, jump over it or walk around it. Yes, it was incumbent on me here in a Singapore shop house to devise a strategy to deal with my unpleasant situation. A strategy means how, when and where I could address my dilemma.
I ruled out escape as I knew absolutely nothing about Singapore; its ins and outs? Are Singaporeans dog haters who would shoot me on sight or use Egyptian animal control methods and poison me? If escape was in the picture I had watched enough World War Two movies with Bob to realize to escape from a prison you needed to know the lay of the land.
I could play tough guy and be obstinate and snarly but so outnumbered what good would that have done.
I decided to play along. Act dumb like a stupid puppy not knowing its tail from his snout. Bide my time and strike at the right time hoping I was not so deep in the shit there would be no right time.
Being ravenously hungry I enjoyed my strange breakfast of chicken congee and a litre of Evian water.
At 10:00 Madame Fong appeared in the room in a vintage Pierre Cardin suit and an Oleg Cassini scarf smoking a gold tipped Russian cigarette looking like Cruella de Ville.
By her side was Bobby Fong Jr. an enormous man with a stomach the size of three Russian Wolfhounds and bad breath you could smell a kilometre away. He loved his durian fruit!
Madame Fong looked at me and said, “Cuddle Cakes we are going to clean you up and rest you up for a few days. My son Bobby Jr. will be “taking care of you” for the next two days. You need to acclimatize yourself to Singaporean climate and culture so you don’t appear to be a stupid puppy. Then I am taking you on a train trip throughout Malaysia and introduce you to some very important people.”
She then turned to Bobby Jr. and said, “Get your fat ass cracking and if you fuck up you’ll be selling gum in the back alleys of Singapore.”
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