Press Release: Spoof News Services: 2,146,000 Gaza Palestinians to be Relocated to the Northwest Territories in Canada: Ottawa: 26March2025

Peter Polygrip, the Prime Minister of Canada, announced today that Canada will resettle 2,146,000 Palestinians from Gaza to its Northwest Territories. Prime Minister Polygrip remarked that considering the deep friendship between Canadians and Americans it is the least we can do to assist our fellow neighbours citing the Gaza is a key manufacturer of fentanyl and our mission as the Conservative Party of Canada is “Arretons Les Drogues”. He further commented this was “a great deal” as tariffs levied on Canadian goods entering the United States will plummet from 20% to 19 %.

In order to pay for massive construction costs to house the voluntarily migrated people all Canada Pension Plan and Old Age Security Benefits will cease immediately. Polygrip stated, “These creaky old buggers have been milking the system for too many years. While they sit at home watching television and waiting for knee replacements Canadians are hard at work.”

As for the inhospitable climate these Palestinian guests will have to suffer Polygrip was of the view the climate was refreshing and invigorating and “these people” are lucky to have escaped a rubble heap. As all materials for housing the Palestinians must be purchased under the “Buy America” programme construction loans must be obtained from banks domiciled in the United States and as a result Canadian universal healthcare will end.

Prime Minister Polygrip expressed Canadians undying gratitude to Israeli Defence Minister Israel Katz for suggesting the relocation to Canada adding the former Liberal government was so obsessed  with anti-neighbourly behavior and carbon taxes it had its head up its *****.

The Return of the Penniless Pensioner: Can I Save Canada? Chapter Three: I Am Not the Man I Used To Be

If you have read my book “The Penniless Pensioner: Misaligned, Maligned but Marvellous” you might be tempted to say I morphed in light speed from a spoiled Indo-Welsh brat into a man of intrigue.

Am I happy? How can you ask that after my sweet Calabrian plum Ginevra and our unborn child were killed in a Cyclops planned bomb blast at the Bay of Naples.

They say a mark of success for a man is money, power and sex. As for money I have more than enough. As for power I have none if that means the power to control the fate of human beings. At times I feel I can’t even control my fate. As for sex well there is Svetlana my rather large Russian lady friend. We met on a flight from Bombay to Toronto and hit it off lickedly split. She told me she crossed President Putin on a protection payment and it was time to “relocate” from Moscow. I am uncertain about our relationship. Her penchant for caviar, vodka and dogfights seems to have little spare time for cuddling with The Penniless Pensioner although she is so rotund there is not much room on the sofa.

I am living in Toronto, Canada in a swank condo on Avenue Road. I spend my time cooking food much of it Indian and the racist condo dweller’s association is attempting to evict me. What is a little bit of curry aroma in the air now and then.

I manage my Indian restaurant chain from Toronto. I make frequent trips to Bombay on the Air India Delhi Belly flight. I work with renowned Romanian sommelier Z (no relation to the Russian Ukrainian war Z) to commence importation of Romanian wine into Canada and to establish my Indian restaurant chain in Romania. They are crazy for my curry fried okra. I sold my Bombay Blues Whisky brand to an Albanian consortium in Tirana.

I maintain my unit in the Dakota in New York and have warmed up a bit to Yoko Ono. She’s not a bad bird once you get to know her and she is not in a recording studio. Her screeching even exasperated John Lennon a dear friend I held in my arms after he was shot. Is life no more than death?

I walk in the many parks of Toronto and have discovered many challenging trails.

So I exist. Not much more than that.

There have been certain events emanating from the United States president Oran Crapaud that have caused me to contemplate what should I do next and how can I do it.

Press Release: Spoof News Services: Acting President Elon Musk Opens Trump Golden Age Plaza Hotel in Gaza City: 23February2029: Tel Aviv

Acting President Elon Musk opened The Trump Golden Age Plaza Hotel in Gaza City this evening. Acting President Musk expressed concern about the whereabouts of Vice President Nochance and President Donald J. Trump last seen at a “Golden Age” celebratory dinner at the Muskmobile Automotive plant in Languish, Michigan. Apparently the autoworkers, all volunteer Gaza workers, were so excited to see President Trump and Vice President Nochance they simply disappeared in the crowd.

Based on the co-operation between the State of Israel and the United States of America the Gaza Territory has become the 52cnd State of the United States. Canada was named a State in 2026.

Acting President Musk praised the spirit of the American people in their resurrection of the Gaza Territory making it a premier resort destination with superb beaches, the best USDA Prime Beef and the glittering Kushner Casino.

Acting President Musk told attendees at the opening ceremony in the Tucker Carlson Ballroom further development is ongoing and that the Netenyahoo Ski Centre is in its final stage of construction in Greenland set to become the 53rd state in 2031.

The Penniless Pensioner Returns: Can He Save Canada: Chapter Two: Some Transparency

You are no doubt swept up in the jargon of the day which includes transparency and conflicts of interest.

My colleague and friend, Robert K. Stephen, will be assisting me in the writing of this treatise. No. He is not a ghost writer but a coach and an experienced author of several literary masterpieces (his words not mine) including “Life at Megacorp”, “Reggie the Egyptian Rescue Dog”, “Andrej the Orphaned Ukrainian Dog” and “Mutantism on the March”.

Ollie, Mookie & Dylan Global Publishing will be the publisher. My relations with Wuhan Wet Market Publishing, publisher of “The Penny Pensioner: Misaligned, Maligned but Marvelous” have been terminated. Close to 12 million copies of my last work were sold throughout the globe. I made a fair sum of money from my book but a large sum was skimmed off a firm of independent auditors I retained has advised me. The principals of Wuhan Wet Market Publishing were last seen facedown floating in the China Sea. Their criticism of the PRC Five Year Plan was not received with open arms by the party bureaucracy.

My new publisher Ollie, Mookie and Dylan Global Publishing is a partnership of the “owners” of three brave and magnificent dogs described in Bob’s book “Reggie the “Egyptian Rescue Dog”. The book was the screenplay for two Walt Disney animated films of the same name as the book. Bob, author of “Reggie the Egyptian Rescue Dog” and Fay owners of the late but brave and fearless Dylan the West Highland Terrier are filthy rich. D and E owners of the late Ollie and Mookie respectively made a very tidy sum from royalties from Bob’s book and the two Disney films based on it.

Dylan the West Highland Terrier also starred in an Academy Award film with Mel Gibson and Nicole Kidman. Dylan the Westie has sat on the Iranian Ayatollah’s lap and has had several audiences with the Pope. Bob and Fay are friends with Drake, former President Joe Biden and his wife Jill. Needless to say I am in excellent and caring hands.

Finally, I have no conflict of interest of any sort.

Post Trumpmatic Stress Syndrome Sweeping Canada

Spoof News Services: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario: 6February2025: The Minister of Well Being of Canada, Dr. Hellbert Humdinger, announced today sporadic swells of a new physiological-psychiatric disease are rapidly spreading throughout the country. Scientists at the Psychiatric Centre for Canadian Mental Health in Hamilton, Ontario have identified the affliction as romanempoerosisbactilius.

The cause has been preliminarily attributed to the stress inflicted on adult Canadians by various inflammatory remarks made by the President of the United States Donald J. Trump threatening to make Canada the 51st state of the United States and the imposition of punishing tariffs applicable to Canadian exports to the United States.

The symptoms are booing the American national anthem at sporting events, fear of travelling to the United States and a deep distrust of Americans particularly those wearing MAGA hats. Particularly susceptible to PTSD are autoworkers, Albertan cattle farmers and oil workers and Quebec pork producers. In extreme cases some victims resort to extreme measures including cancellation of leisure trips to the United States and refusing to purchase American agricultural products notably Florida orange juice and liquor.

There are no vaccines available at present.

There have been reports of PTSD in the United States particularly in Detroit amongst autoworkers, tourism workers in Florida/Arizona/California and in Tennessee amongst bourbon producers and those in car assembly facilities.

Dr. Humdinger stated that attempts have been made to confer with the Centre for Disease Control in the United States but as the entire agency has been “laid off” no one has been answering the phones.

Dr. Humdinger had strongly advised all Canadians to avoid watching the upcoming Super Bowl lest it spark further outbreaks of PTSD. Dr. Humdinger expressed concern the affliction has apparently just been reported in Greenland.

RKS 2025 CANADIAN Wine: Getting to Trust Ontario Merlot!

My past few attempts at Ontario Merlot are beginning to reverse my previous distrusting view of that grape in Ontario. Can this positivity be buttressed by a Niagara Southbrook triomphe merlot?

Aroma: Blackberry, blueberry, root beer and milk chocolate.

Palate: A solid bruiser with more than ample force and character. Pure and clean as Southbrook wines tend to be. Melded raspberry and blackberry. Long tightly wound finish. Lone Ranger disguised oak

Personality: Some oaked Merlots, often encountered in Washington State are softened making them immediately approachable. I am not that type of Merlot. I require food.

Food Match: Marbled grilled beef.

Cellarbility: Will take to ageing like a fish to water. Will swim into 2028.

Price: $ 24.80 CDN.

RKS 2025 CANADIAN Wine Rating: 92/100. Carl’s Wine Club 91.

(Southbrook Organic 2019 triomphe merlot, VQA Niagara Peninsula, Southbrook Vineyards, Niagara-on-the-Lake, 750 mL, 12.6%)

RKS 2025 CANADIAN Film: “Mongrels”: Horror, Fantasy, Reality and the Concealment of Truth

Sonny Lee (Jae-Hyun Kim) newly arrived Korean to British Columbia is hired by hunter and farmer Scott Larson to eradicate packs of feral dogs in the neighboring woods. They snarl, howl and growl as a menacing, omnipresent and quasi surreal force. His daughter Hana (Sein Jin) and adolescent son Hajoon (Da-Nu Nan) have emigrated with him. Where is their mother? One hears Sonny seemingly makes several calls to her but one is not certain it is his wife he is conversing with. Neither are her whereabouts revealed other than a supposition she remains in Korea. Hana dreams of her mother and occasionally her mother speaks to her from afar as in a dream.

Sonny, the archetype macho man, is enveloped with anger and hostility much of it directed abusively towards Hajoon a confused adolescent hesitantly and with success fitting in with his peers to the dismay of Sonny who distrusts his hosts and employers. Tortured by demons he kills King Kong, the Larson’s dog, to set it free with the hope this will end his misery.

The Larson’s make every attempt to welcome the immigrant family but Sonny refuses any genuine attempt to integrate into his new surroundings unlike Hana and Hajoon. Laura, Scott’s wife, makes many attempts to welcome Hana treating her much like a daughter she wished she had. Dressed in traditional Korean garb Laura applies fingernail polish and is about to colour Hana’s hair blonde perhaps in unthinking attempt to totally assimilate her into Canadian culture but Hana flees into the woods and leads, in Pied Piper fashion, feral dogs behind her while playing a flute. The film explodes into a tumultuous and heart wrenching conclusion and her mother is finally where she should be although it is unclear if Hana comprehends what Sonny and Hajoon have been concealing.

Top rate cinematography dark and gloomy to suit the mood of the Lee family and the surrealistic evil of the mongrels and light filled in moments of fantasy and hope. Could it be that Sonny has been so distant and outside the human pack he is a mongrel and the truth permits him to join humanity once again?

Directed and written by Jerome Yoo. “Mongrels” enjoys its hometown debut in Vancouver on 14February2025 followed by a Canadian theatrical release in May.

RKS 2025 Canadian Film Rating 82/100.   

The Penniless Pensioner Returns! Can He Save Canada?

Chapter One: What to Do Next

In the published recounting of my life described in “The Penniless Pensioner: Misunderstood, Maligned but Marvellous” we certainly had a ride bordering on the fantastic.

We started with my childhood in Bombay with an introduction to my Welsh mother Juanita Wallenberg the almost massively famous blues singer and my father a successful supplier of hashish to the holy men of India and later a gold mine operator. I explained the origins of my name as I was erroneously identified with Bernie Maggot the swindler of the ultra rich. We snuggled up to stories of love and loss with Minah my Iraqi sweetheart whose brother Abdul bombed and murdered my mom in her chartered rock tour plane. Then it was Ginevra my sweet Calabrian plum (and our unborn child en ventre to a mere) executed in a bomb blast by the notorious Cyclops who then I assassinated in Romania.

I explained my brief tenure with the Central Intelligence Agency, my unforgettable hockey moment of fame playing for the Indian National Hockey team and scoring three goals against the legendary Ken Dryden. You were introduced to my work for The United Mutations particularly defending the victims of Montreal’s Queen Fairy Hospital governmental neglect and the revolt at The Mugless Mental Hospital.

Then my friendship with John Lennon ending with a ballistic tragedy. Also lest we forget my involvement with Don Lupara (The Fat Fox) in Naples, my exposure to the narcotic rings of the Scampia District in Naples and my internment at a psychiatric institution in Positano in Italy. And yes the somewhat comedic plane hijacking by The Sons of Westmount.

I am an exciting fellow you ought to closely monitor my new publisher Ollie, Mookie & Dylan Global Publishing wants me to flog. I am nothing special. I am simply The Penniless Pensioner and the pressing question is given the wild and aggressive antics of the President of The United States, Oran Crapaud, can Canada survive American imperialism and being the 51st state? Is The Penniless Pensioner the force to preserve Canadian sovereignty?

RKS 2025 CANADIAN Wine: Liquor Control Board of Ontario: Cry Me A River! Too Little Too Late

Rah! Rah! Rah!

The LCBO has boldly gone where no man would go! No not to the moon but threatening to remove all wines produced in the United States from its shelves then backing off and not implementing its threat.

Buy Ontario wines! Rah! Rah! Rah!

Seems they suddenly, as politically directed, truly wish to promote Ontario wines. Before the Trumpian Tariff War I walked into one major LCBO store Vintages Section and I see a whopping 4 wines from British Columbia and none from Quebec or Nova Scotia. Perhaps over 100 from California. And the LCBO pays homage to its scanty collection of Niagara wines leaving Prince Edward County and Lake Erie North Shore wines in the dark. All this despite lofty statements in its Vintages catalogues about promoting Ontario wines.

Cry me a river.

Press Release: Vice President Jimbo Nochance Explains United States Free All Inclusive Vacation to Canadian Government Cabinet at Guantanamo Bay

Spoof News Services: 4February2025: Washington

“Yesterday evening 60 United States Marine Walrus Special Forces limousines were dispatched to Ottawa, Canada with large “51st” markings on their exterior. Fittingly the vehicles entered through Kingston, Ontario and after a stop at McDonalds for wholesome American food our nation has come to love they proceeded 4 hours further to the Canadian Parliament buildings. I have received reports that along the 401 Highway crowds of Canadians waving our cherished flag greeted our brave patriots. Apparently chants of “Fifty-One” swelled as vehicles passed. Apparently the name of this stretch of highway honoured our patriots being called Highway of Heroes!

The United States government is pleased to announce it has offered the Canadian Cabinet an all inclusive fully paid vacation to the sunny shores of Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. There are water sports, comfortable accommodations, all you can eat buffets including the renowned Carney Carnita and all you can drink Schlitz beer. We have already heard from Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Mabel Jolly she is anticipating waterboarding lessons and developing a magnificent tan.

The Canadian Cabinet has announced during breaks after intensive instruction in waterboarding it plans to develop a “friendship 51 strategy” in a sincere attempt to expedite the Golden Age of our country.”