Massive Free Trade Deal To Be Signed Between Canada, Greenland, Portugal, Mexico and Panama “Tariff Protection Pact (TPP)”: Spoof News Services: Lagos, Portugal: 6March2025

Spoof News Services has learnt Portugal, Greenland, Canada, Panama and Mexico are in the process of executing a massive free trade deal with a goal of escaping economic and physical annexation of these countries as states into the United States of America.

Specifics are unknown but Spoof contacts reveal the deal centres on Canadian oil, Portuguese and Canadian Wines, Mexican and Panamanian produce, mutual tourism and lots of fish. A joint office of trade administration will be established on Pico Island in the Portuguese Azores.

Special envoy orchestrating the wine aspect of TPP is RKS Wine a multinational consulting firm involved in wine distribution and wine tourism. A representative of RKS Wine declined extensive comment other than saying Okanagan Wine Producers will be holding a TPP celebratory tailgate party at Meyer Family Vineyards in Okanagan Falls, British Columbia as soon as it is warm enough to do so.

Further details will be forthcoming. Portuguese governmental representatives are expected to make an announcement soon.

The Canadian Province of Prince Edward Island Removes all U.S. Alcohol from the Shelves

On March 4, 2025 Hon. Rob Lantz, Premier of Prince Edward Island and the Cabinet Committee on Trade Relations, announced the Government of Prince Edward Island’s Tariff Response Plan, outlining the province’s strategy to support businesses impacted by newly implemented U.S. tariffs.

“As a province, we did not ask for these tariffs, but we have been preparing for this reality,” said Hon. Rob Lantz, Premier of Prince Edward Island. “Our government has assessed, planned, and advocated—and now, we are taking action to protect our industries and support Island businesses through these challenges.”

The Tariff Response Plan includes immediate and targeted measures to help businesses adapt, maintain operations, and explore new trade opportunities. The first phase of programs, launched today, will provide capital relief, export assistance, and supply chain support. All U.S. products will be removed from the Liquor Control Commission catalogue and all U.S. products will be removed from the shelves immediately.

Canadian Province of Saskatchewan to Cease Ordering United States Alcohol

The Premier of Saskatchewan Scott Moe announced today that “that the Government of Saskatchewan has directed Saskatchewan Liquor and Gaming Authority (SLGA) to stop purchasing US-produced alcohol and has directed that goods and services procured by the Government of Saskatchewan prioritize Canadian suppliers, with the goal of reducing or eliminating US procurement. Liquor retailers will no longer be able to order US-produced alcohol, however they may still choose to sell their remaining inventory. This approach defends the interests of Saskatchewan’s economy while avoiding negative impacts on Saskatchewan’s liquor retailers who have already purchased US products.”

The Canadian Province of Alberta to Refrain from Purchasing American Alcohol Products Until Further Notice

The Alberta Government stated the following today, “Alberta’s government has also directed Alberta Gaming, Liquor and Cannabis to suspend the purchase of U.S. alcohol and video lottery terminals (VLTs) from American companies until further notice. This will ensure Alberta and Canadian brands take priority in restaurants, bars and on retail shelves.”

Sales of American alcohol in Alberta in 2023-24 were $292,000,000.

Photo of Premier of Alberta Danielle Smith by Jeff McIntosh, Canadian Press

Portuguese “Terrorists” Respond to the United States Banning of Portuguese “Toenail Fungus Juice”: 5March2025: Spoof News Services: Pico Island, Portugal

Early this morning the Francesinhas Liberation Front (FLF) and the Confrairia Proud Boys (CPB) took responsibility for the vandalization of three McDonald’s and 4 Burger King restaurants in Porto and the burning of three Tesla’s parked near these establishments.

All these restaurants are part of American fast-food chains operating in Portugal.

The CPB placed piles of toenail clippings outside each restaurant while the FLF pasted huge posters of Francesinhas on windows of these fine dining establishments stating “Eat Portuguese”.

As Fidel Castro and Che Guevara and their band of revolutionaries hid in the Sierra Madre Mountains of Cuba it is thought the FLF and CPB cadres are hiding out in the Douro Highlands.

The Francesinha is a meat packed monster of a sandwich served in beer gravy that has been simmering for hours. The FLF has been upset for years about the “invasion of imperialist carnivoristic forces threatening our national sandwich”.

The CBP are Douro Port Wine enthusiasts enraged by the statement made on 4March2025 by the United States Secretary of Poor Health Kennedy Bobblehead claiming foot trodding of grapes in lagares creates toenail contaminated wine.

The Porto Constabulary is unavailable for comment and to some sources appeared to be at Francesinha bistros laughing and rather enjoying themselves with Francesinhas and litres of Sagres Beer.

Formal statements from the Portuguese government, Porto Vegetarian League and the Sardine Eatery Association of Portugal are expected shortly.

RKS 2025 CANADIAN Wine: Sue-Ann Staff Estate Winery 2018 Mountain Bell Merlot: Will This Tariff Free Merlot Lighthizer Up Your Life?

Getting sick and tired of the Trump Confusion show? And you thought Sleepy Joe was losing it? Tired of that rich overly fruity Washington State (or for that matter Washington D.C.) then think Ontario Merlot. You won’t have to think of Howard Outoflucknik when you consume it as its tariff free.

Aroma: Hints of a “tight Merlot” in that fruit is not gushing over the olfactory senses like a certain White House Press Secretary. Most American Merlot (of which we will steadfastly avoid until Trump departs or we become the 51st state) exhibit more fruit on the brain like Moron Tusk wielding a chain saw. Consider the black cherry, blueberry and cassis its friendship and full warmth not restrained by tariff threats lending a foul and bitter taste when taken seriously but this is Niagara Merlot folks good enough for Governor Trudeau to serve at his inauguration dinner where Tusk will be carving the roast beast with a gold plated chainsaw while balancing one of his 61 children on his shoulders.

Palate: Clearly a muscle Merlot disciplined and firm like the Canadian population fighting the cork taint morality of MAGA legions. Black cherry and firm tannins.

Personality: I am a wine with great integrity and backbone like a certain Canadian politician who showed it a little bit late in the game.

Food Match: A good old Canadian Pot Roast made with a good cut of beef trump roast.

Cellarbility: Perhaps keep in a cool damp cellar keeping company with thousands of imprisoned election stealers in the United States or captured Greenlander politicians.

Price: $32 CDN.

RKS 2025 CANADIAN Wine Rating: 91/100. Natalie MacLean 90.

(Sue-Ann Staff 2018 Mountain Bell Merlot, VQA Niagara Peninsula, Sue-Ann Staff Winery, St. Catharines, Ontario, 750 mL,12.5%).

Canadian Province of Newfoundland and Labrador to Remove All U.S Liquor from Retail Shelves

Dr. Andrew Furey the Premier of Newfoundland and Labrador made the following statement on 4March2025: “Now, more than ever, we should be supporting local and Canadian-made products where possible. We will be removing U.S. products from Newfoundland and Labrador Liquor Corporation shelves, and reviewing and stopping immediately, where possible, procurement from the U.S.”

LCBO to stop selling U.S products in response to U.S. tariffs on Canadian goods (Press Release)


March 4, 2025 – TORONTO – As part of Ontario’s response strategy to U.S. tariffs, the government of Ontario has directed LCBO to take operational steps to implement restrictions on all U.S. beverage alcohol sales and related imports into Ontario, effective immediately.

LCBO has ceased the purchase of all U.S. products, retail customers are no longer able to purchase U.S. products on lcbo.com and the LCBO app, and wholesale customers, including grocery and convenience stores, bars, restaurants, and other retailers, are no longer able to place orders of U.S. products online.

Furthermore, spirits, wine, cider, beer, ready-to-drink coolers/cocktails, and non-alcoholic products produced in the U.S. will no longer be available in our retail stores or LCBO Convenience Outlets.

Our in-store teams can help customers find alternative products from our extensive selection of products from Ontario, Canada, and around the world.

LCBO is the importer of record for all U.S. alcohol products into Ontario, with annual sales of up to $965 million. We currently list more than 3,600 products from 35 U.S. states. U.S. products will not be purchased by LCBO until the LCBO is directed to resume normal business.  

Canadian Province of New Brunswick Removes American Alcohol from the NB Liquor Shelves

As previously stated by New Brunswick Premier Susan Holt on 3March2025 it was confirmed today by the Premier no American liquor will be stocked on NB Liquor shelves.

Rude Awakening for United States Wines and Spirits at one of The Largest Buyers of Liquor in the World: The LCBO Greets Trumpian Tariffs

The Liquor Control Board of Ontario is busily removing all American alcohol from its shelves.