I recently spoke with renowned psychiatrist Dr. Kainik Zlatco of Zagreb University currently heading an international consortium of behavioral psychiatrists preparing a major study of men suffering from “men in tights syndrome”.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Illness “men in tights syndrome” (MITS) is defined as follows:
“An irrational fear of men ballet dancers (ballerinos) wearing skintight “dancing pants” accentuating male body parts. Secondary mental infections may be triggered by ballerinos constantly tiptoeing across the stage in pink costuming.”
Dr. Zlatco emphasized MITs should always be distinguished from tight pants syndrome meralgia paresthetica.
Dr. Zlatco remarked this phobia has prevented many men from attending ballet performances depriving them of an art form ultimately reducing cortisol levels and addressing the “flee or flight” at the heart of MITs. Dr. Zlatco stated,” We have tried many types of psychiatric medicines but without measurable success. Anti-depressants have had some limited successes but on the most part have caused severe digestive issues on patients in test settings. we do now at this point cabbage soup is to avoided at all costs.”
Dr. Zlatco explained the causes of MITs are not fully understood but at the root of many cases of MIT is an irrational fear of “emasculation”. For some reason many men are threatened by audience adulation of ballerinos who represent less than perceived manliness. “As usual” the ego of sufferers is “strangled” by mothers.
Dr. Zlatco took a MITS sufferer to a performance of “The Nutcracker” at a Toronto venue last night presented by The Dubious Dance Company. The attendance of the MIT patient was preceded by many taped sessions of ballet performances accompanied by medicinal mushrooms not the kind you make omelets with said Dr. Zlatco.
Dr. Zlatco mused that at the core of MITs is the pure trauma of confronting men in tights so the strategy has been “diversionary” as the more you focus on the spectacle, namely the music and the sets, the more you divert the trauma. Once the brain has been so diverted the next step is have the MITs sufferer focus on the athleticism of the dancers. As a coup de grace we conquer the fear of men in tights by emphasizing those big, rough and hulking brutes playing professional football wear tights!
Dr. Zlatco turned to me after the crowd’s massive round of applause with a rather large smile on his face saying, “A remarkable performance. Fluid and artistically beautiful costumes and choreography. The sets were outstanding. Now can our MITs sufferer be considered cured? This would be a premature conclusion. The real test may be further attendance at subsequent ballet performances where lavish costuming and sets may not be the norm. I may name this “cure” The Nutcracker Protocol.”
The MITs sufferer was last seen leaving the performance hall clutching a Nutcracker and heading to the Toronto Transit Commission subway stop on King Street with a very contented smile on his face.
Should you or anyone you know is suffering from MITs further ballet performances may be required. Check them out at your local ballet company’s website.
Dr. Zlatco is looking for volunteers to participate is his study of “baritone blues” affecting certain audience members at operatic performances.
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