Spoof News Services: Elon Musk Unelected Special Adviser for the Institution of American Ideals Announces Establishment of Golden Age Liquor and the Abolishment of the Boy Scouts of America: Muskgarten, Bavaria, Germany: 9February2025

Elon Musk, Special Adviser for the Institution of America Ideals, today in Munich, Germany at a fund raiser and flag waving ceremony of the AfD announced the establishment of a new brand of spirits named “Golden Age Liquor”. The labels will feature a picture of Musk’s famous and patriotic fist salute he stated “inspired nations”. Initially vodka, gin, bourbon and California prune juice liqueur will bear the label. Mr. Musk credited George Orwell’s novel”1984’s” description of “Victory Gin” coming to him in a revelatory dream inspiring him to launch the new brand.

Special Adviser Musk also announced the abolition of the Boy Scouts of America which will be replaced by a new organization “Young Pioneers of the Golden Age”.

Spoof News Services: Panama City: 1March2025: Canadians, Panamanians and Greenlanders Should Be Treated as Cattle Says Cristal “Yee Haw” Numbhead

Secretary of Homeland Paranoia of the United States, Cristal “Yee Haw” Numbhead attending a hoedown at The American Golden Age Cultural Centre in Panama City likened Canadians, Panamanians and Greenlanders to cattle. Numbhead proudly wearing her cowboy hat indoors (a great cultural no no in Texas) stated, “As an experienced cattle rancher I have an eye for cattle and their low intelligence. With cattle you must lead and occasionally give em a good prod with an electric baton. We have been feeding the population herds of these countries for too long and all we receive from them is the hot gas of sovereignty mooing. Just witness the subsidies we have been giving Canada. It is time we lead these dumb beasts to the pen where they belong. As we welcome them into the Golden Age they will be eternally grateful.”

Press Release: Spoof News Service: Secret Service Dismantled by Elon Musk and Replaced by a New Republican Guard

Plattsburg, New York: 8February2025: Elon Musk’s Office of Slash and Burn announced today the dismantling of the Secret Service noting its fraud, corruption and incompetence as threatening the arrival of America’s Golden Age. Musk stated, “Our glorious leader presents Americans with the arrival of a Golden Age which will sweep throughout our great country increased in size and pride lately by the successful invasions of Canada, Panama and Greenland.  In its place a New Republican Guard will be created. Elite agents of The Shame Boys and The Lie Keepers will, under my watchful eye, staff this new service with appropriate talent. The Trump arm salute will be the cohesive force of the New Republican Guards. In addition, President Trump has appointed me “Special Adviser for the Institution of American Ideals.”

Photo Credit: Angela Weiss

Press Release: Spoof News Services: Canadian Ministry of Health Recommends Super Bowl LIX Quarantine for Sanity and Sovereignty  

Toronto: (8February2025): The Minister of Health of Canada Rosie Boilscab addressed Canadians on national television this morning urging Canadians to avoid watching the upcoming Super Bowl. She stated ,”Given the increase of cases of severe psychiatric disturbances amongst Canadians, particularly Post Trumpmatic Stress Disorder and Trumplfluenza it is essential Canadians quarantine themselves from a massive overdose of Americanism foistered upon them by Canadian media outlets palavering and drooling about this sporting event made all the more infectious by the attendance of President Donald J. Trump and the half time show by Kenny “Hot Stools” Lemerde attacker of the beloved Canadian musician Aubrey Flake. Too much Americanism can prove harmful to Canadian mental health. It is essential Canadian’s mental health be safeguarded and a potential hungering for Super Bowl commercials in the face of an existential threat to Canada should not be underestimated. Think of this avoidance as a quarantine for sanity and sovereignty. Canadian television networks would be well advised to telecast last year’s Canadian football championship, the Grey Cup.”

Press Release: Spoof News Services: 2,146,000 Gaza Palestinians to be Relocated to the Northwest Territories in Canada: Ottawa: 26March2025

Peter Polygrip, the Prime Minister of Canada, announced today that Canada will resettle 2,146,000 Palestinians from Gaza to its Northwest Territories. Prime Minister Polygrip remarked that considering the deep friendship between Canadians and Americans it is the least we can do to assist our fellow neighbours citing the Gaza is a key manufacturer of fentanyl and our mission as the Conservative Party of Canada is “Arretons Les Drogues”. He further commented this was “a great deal” as tariffs levied on Canadian goods entering the United States will plummet from 20% to 19 %.

In order to pay for massive construction costs to house the voluntarily migrated people all Canada Pension Plan and Old Age Security Benefits will cease immediately. Polygrip stated, “These creaky old buggers have been milking the system for too many years. While they sit at home watching television and waiting for knee replacements Canadians are hard at work.”

As for the inhospitable climate these Palestinian guests will have to suffer Polygrip was of the view the climate was refreshing and invigorating and “these people” are lucky to have escaped a rubble heap. As all materials for housing the Palestinians must be purchased under the “Buy America” programme construction loans must be obtained from banks domiciled in the United States and as a result Canadian universal healthcare will end.

Prime Minister Polygrip expressed Canadians undying gratitude to Israeli Defence Minister Israel Katz for suggesting the relocation to Canada adding the former Liberal government was so obsessed  with anti-neighbourly behavior and carbon taxes it had its head up its *****.

The Return of the Penniless Pensioner: Can I Save Canada? Chapter Three: I Am Not the Man I Used To Be

If you have read my book “The Penniless Pensioner: Misaligned, Maligned but Marvellous” you might be tempted to say I morphed in light speed from a spoiled Indo-Welsh brat into a man of intrigue.

Am I happy? How can you ask that after my sweet Calabrian plum Ginevra and our unborn child were killed in a Cyclops planned bomb blast at the Bay of Naples.

They say a mark of success for a man is money, power and sex. As for money I have more than enough. As for power I have none if that means the power to control the fate of human beings. At times I feel I can’t even control my fate. As for sex well there is Svetlana my rather large Russian lady friend. We met on a flight from Bombay to Toronto and hit it off lickedly split. She told me she crossed President Putin on a protection payment and it was time to “relocate” from Moscow. I am uncertain about our relationship. Her penchant for caviar, vodka and dogfights seems to have little spare time for cuddling with The Penniless Pensioner although she is so rotund there is not much room on the sofa.

I am living in Toronto, Canada in a swank condo on Avenue Road. I spend my time cooking food much of it Indian and the racist condo dweller’s association is attempting to evict me. What is a little bit of curry aroma in the air now and then.

I manage my Indian restaurant chain from Toronto. I make frequent trips to Bombay on the Air India Delhi Belly flight. I work with renowned Romanian sommelier Z (no relation to the Russian Ukrainian war Z) to commence importation of Romanian wine into Canada and to establish my Indian restaurant chain in Romania. They are crazy for my curry fried okra. I sold my Bombay Blues Whisky brand to an Albanian consortium in Tirana.

I maintain my unit in the Dakota in New York and have warmed up a bit to Yoko Ono. She’s not a bad bird once you get to know her and she is not in a recording studio. Her screeching even exasperated John Lennon a dear friend I held in my arms after he was shot. Is life no more than death?

I walk in the many parks of Toronto and have discovered many challenging trails.

So I exist. Not much more than that.

There have been certain events emanating from the United States president Oran Crapaud that have caused me to contemplate what should I do next and how can I do it.

Press Release: Spoof News Services: Acting President Elon Musk Opens Trump Golden Age Plaza Hotel in Gaza City: 23February2029: Tel Aviv

Acting President Elon Musk opened The Trump Golden Age Plaza Hotel in Gaza City this evening. Acting President Musk expressed concern about the whereabouts of Vice President Nochance and President Donald J. Trump last seen at a “Golden Age” celebratory dinner at the Muskmobile Automotive plant in Languish, Michigan. Apparently the autoworkers, all volunteer Gaza workers, were so excited to see President Trump and Vice President Nochance they simply disappeared in the crowd.

Based on the co-operation between the State of Israel and the United States of America the Gaza Territory has become the 52cnd State of the United States. Canada was named a State in 2026.

Acting President Musk praised the spirit of the American people in their resurrection of the Gaza Territory making it a premier resort destination with superb beaches, the best USDA Prime Beef and the glittering Kushner Casino.

Acting President Musk told attendees at the opening ceremony in the Tucker Carlson Ballroom further development is ongoing and that the Netenyahoo Ski Centre is in its final stage of construction in Greenland set to become the 53rd state in 2031.

The Penniless Pensioner Returns: Can He Save Canada: Chapter Two: Some Transparency

You are no doubt swept up in the jargon of the day which includes transparency and conflicts of interest.

My colleague and friend, Robert K. Stephen, will be assisting me in the writing of this treatise. No. He is not a ghost writer but a coach and an experienced author of several literary masterpieces (his words not mine) including “Life at Megacorp”, “Reggie the Egyptian Rescue Dog”, “Andrej the Orphaned Ukrainian Dog” and “Mutantism on the March”.

Ollie, Mookie & Dylan Global Publishing will be the publisher. My relations with Wuhan Wet Market Publishing, publisher of “The Penny Pensioner: Misaligned, Maligned but Marvelous” have been terminated. Close to 12 million copies of my last work were sold throughout the globe. I made a fair sum of money from my book but a large sum was skimmed off a firm of independent auditors I retained has advised me. The principals of Wuhan Wet Market Publishing were last seen facedown floating in the China Sea. Their criticism of the PRC Five Year Plan was not received with open arms by the party bureaucracy.

My new publisher Ollie, Mookie and Dylan Global Publishing is a partnership of the “owners” of three brave and magnificent dogs described in Bob’s book “Reggie the “Egyptian Rescue Dog”. The book was the screenplay for two Walt Disney animated films of the same name as the book. Bob, author of “Reggie the Egyptian Rescue Dog” and Fay owners of the late but brave and fearless Dylan the West Highland Terrier are filthy rich. D and E owners of the late Ollie and Mookie respectively made a very tidy sum from royalties from Bob’s book and the two Disney films based on it.

Dylan the West Highland Terrier also starred in an Academy Award film with Mel Gibson and Nicole Kidman. Dylan the Westie has sat on the Iranian Ayatollah’s lap and has had several audiences with the Pope. Bob and Fay are friends with Drake, former President Joe Biden and his wife Jill. Needless to say I am in excellent and caring hands.

Finally, I have no conflict of interest of any sort.

Post Trumpmatic Stress Syndrome Sweeping Canada

Spoof News Services: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario: 6February2025: The Minister of Well Being of Canada, Dr. Hellbert Humdinger, announced today sporadic swells of a new physiological-psychiatric disease are rapidly spreading throughout the country. Scientists at the Psychiatric Centre for Canadian Mental Health in Hamilton, Ontario have identified the affliction as romanempoerosisbactilius.

The cause has been preliminarily attributed to the stress inflicted on adult Canadians by various inflammatory remarks made by the President of the United States Donald J. Trump threatening to make Canada the 51st state of the United States and the imposition of punishing tariffs applicable to Canadian exports to the United States.

The symptoms are booing the American national anthem at sporting events, fear of travelling to the United States and a deep distrust of Americans particularly those wearing MAGA hats. Particularly susceptible to PTSD are autoworkers, Albertan cattle farmers and oil workers and Quebec pork producers. In extreme cases some victims resort to extreme measures including cancellation of leisure trips to the United States and refusing to purchase American agricultural products notably Florida orange juice and liquor.

There are no vaccines available at present.

There have been reports of PTSD in the United States particularly in Detroit amongst autoworkers, tourism workers in Florida/Arizona/California and in Tennessee amongst bourbon producers and those in car assembly facilities.

Dr. Humdinger stated that attempts have been made to confer with the Centre for Disease Control in the United States but as the entire agency has been “laid off” no one has been answering the phones.

Dr. Humdinger had strongly advised all Canadians to avoid watching the upcoming Super Bowl lest it spark further outbreaks of PTSD. Dr. Humdinger expressed concern the affliction has apparently just been reported in Greenland.

RKS 2025 CANADIAN Wine: Getting to Trust Ontario Merlot!

My past few attempts at Ontario Merlot are beginning to reverse my previous distrusting view of that grape in Ontario. Can this positivity be buttressed by a Niagara Southbrook triomphe merlot?

Aroma: Blackberry, blueberry, root beer and milk chocolate.

Palate: A solid bruiser with more than ample force and character. Pure and clean as Southbrook wines tend to be. Melded raspberry and blackberry. Long tightly wound finish. Lone Ranger disguised oak

Personality: Some oaked Merlots, often encountered in Washington State are softened making them immediately approachable. I am not that type of Merlot. I require food.

Food Match: Marbled grilled beef.

Cellarbility: Will take to ageing like a fish to water. Will swim into 2028.

Price: $ 24.80 CDN.

RKS 2025 CANADIAN Wine Rating: 92/100. Carl’s Wine Club 91.

(Southbrook Organic 2019 triomphe merlot, VQA Niagara Peninsula, Southbrook Vineyards, Niagara-on-the-Lake, 750 mL, 12.6%)