Spoof News Services: Ukraine “Conflict” to End: (Mired Lang, Florida: 12February2025)

The White House announced today the cessation of the Ukrainian Conflict. Crimea will revert to joint ownership of Russia, North Korea and Mired Lang Investments of Kushner, Michigan.

The American sector of Crimea will be managed by Mired Lang Investments and will be subject to resort development. Doge Musky, president of Mired Lang Investments, expressed confidence that with 84 golf courses planned and a touristic infrastructure the region will be a premier golf destination. As a brave salute to the veterans of the Ukrainian conflict they will form a huge pool of caddies for the golf courses.  

The North Korean sector will house up to 100,000 North Korean “volunteer worker brigades” to be used as foreign workers in the United States. Jimbo Nochance, Vice President of the United States, noted due to the lack of a Latino workforce many of whom have scooted back to their homeland or housed as guests of the United States in Guantanamo Bay the United States can benefit from next to nothing labor costs of the North Korean brigades. All wages of the brigades will be forwarded to the North Korean government. Nochance stated, “It will cost peanuts to use these brave North Korean volunteers helping America build the Golden Age. With all the vacant government buildings made available by the elimination of a fat government bureaucracy we can house em cheap. As for food costs they should be low as the North Korean worker is quite used to starvation, we have plenty of feral dogs they can eat as that is the main staple of a North Korean peasant.”

Russian president and Supreme Leader Igor Pooping stated the Russian sector will host first class gulags with state of the art facilities to house “dissidents and enemies” of the Russian nation. Hungarian, Czech, Slovenian, Belarusian, Kazakhstani, Romanian and Georgian subsectors will host guest criminals of these principalities of Russia.

President Oran Crapaud of the United States remarked, Pooping and the Jongster, as he refers to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, are really great guys, wonderful people. As for that Zelensky character he’s sucked so much money from the United States he should be glad we didn’t take the whole damn country and make it the 53rd state. To recoup lost American money a 300% tariff will be imposed on Ukrainian cereals by the United States.    

RKS 2025 CANADIAN Wine: Playing a Tricky Game with a Petrichor 2022 Cabernet Merlot

While developing a guarded respect for Ontario Merlot when carefully oaked, Ontario Cabernet Sauvignon rarely pleases. Blend the two together with some Cabernet Franc and you may be playing a risky game condemned to a wine dulled by neutrality and loss of identity.

Aroma: Black cherry, blackberry, blueberry and blackcurrant in a smoky envelope.

Palate: Moderate tannins with a hint of sweetness. Bits of black currant, blackberry with a certain dampness. Just beyond a short finish with some blackball candy to it.

Personality: No risk here RKS Wine. I have character. I have fruit. I have structure. I have an identity.

Food Match: Pasta with Putanesca sauce.

Cellarbility: Drink in 2025.

Price: $15.60.

RKS 2025 Canadian Wine Rating: 87/100. Wine Align 87.

(Petrichor 2022 Cabernet Merlot, VQA Niagara Peninsula, Artisan Wine Co., 750 mL, 13%).

RKS 2025 CANADIAN Film: “Look at Me”: Captivating Quirkiness and Originality

Taylor (Taylor Olson) is an actor with an eating disorder. Classic bulimia. He has an alter ego egging him on encouraging destructive behavior, harassing and berating him making an unhappy existence miserable.

The story unfolds in black and white with Taylor speaking into the camera at an audition saying in his early teens how his aunt and a classmate hurtfully mocked him for being so fat. Was this the foundation for his eating disorder? Unhappy Taylor burns his childhood pictures.

Taylor attempts to deal with his weight explaining to all it is genetic. Diets fail.

Is it his bulimia that causes his awkwardness, loneliness, guilt, low elf esteem, insecurity, anxiety, pain and disappointment or is in reverse order.

Taylor can’t seem to do anything right alienating people rather lost in his awkwardness unable to forge lasting human connections with almost everyone. Dates end up in disaster. At one point he states he can’t be honest with anyone as it causes too much pain.

A refreshing and highly personal look at eating disorders told by a tortured soul and no tongue wagging here by “experts” in a Dr. Everett Scott “Rocky Horror Picture Show” way.

Taylor admits to a psychologist he is suffering from a Porcupine Dilemma. He fears closeness at it may hurt anyone attempting to get close to him. The ending of the film is optimistic but not happy forever after.

The journey’s trail here is riddled with quirkiness but never lighthearted. An original work painful at times.

Directed and written by Taylor Olson. Canadian theatrical release commenced 7February2025.

RKS 2025 CANADIAN Film Rating 90/100.

The Return of the Penniless Pensioner: Chapter Six: A Dictator Grooms America: Storm Troopers Needed

Dictators simply don’t sprout from the masses. There is a process which the bright emerging dictator grooms.

The fuel that razes the existing order requires The Disaffected requiring them riled up all loud and violent. A dictator requires some “exaggerated press” that harps on a small group of The Disaffected let’s call them Storm Troopers creating the illusion of a mass movement that generates the possibility of grooming a mass movement.

The Storm Troopers are ordinarily poorly educated men, excessively frustrated by erectile disfunction, drive pick-up trucks, drink beer in a manly fashion right from the bottle and revel in country music and bare-knuckle fighting. Perhaps we can call them theatrical thugs.

Storm Troopers specialize in waving flags, shouting, grooming wispy chin beards and assaulting anyone standing in their way particularly authority figures of the existing order such as policemen and Vice Presidents without backbone who they would prefer lynching.

Storm Troopers are of limited use as once the fire of hatred in the mases is inflamed in their midst the criminality of the Storm Troopers discredits the perceived legitimacy of a mass movement. Persecution transforms patriots into martyrs becoming a disposable force of crucial ideological importance. They are stars that guide the masses to the Messiah.

Spoof News Services: American Military Vehicles Spotted in Potsdam, New York Near Canadian Border: Kingston, Ontario:11January2025

Cadets at the Royal Military College in Kingston, Ontario reported sightings of numerous American military vehicles in the Potsdam, New York area. Using drones they detected at least 35 tanks without any military markings and similarly some 75 troop transport trucks all with a “51” painted in a makeshift manner on their exteriors. President Oran Crapaud of the United States of America has repeatedly stated Canada should be the 51st state of the United States.

The White House replied to our queries by noting this was simply a routine training exercise and the “51” was the platoon number for the tanks.

(Photo Credit: Associated Press)

The Return of the Penny Pensioner: Chapter 5: What’s Wrong with The United States?: Entitled Unionized Workforce and Their Greedy Bosses Create a New “Disaffected Class” Ripe for the Political Picking

Excuse my amateurish attempt at economic theory bearing in mind you are reading this because you are preferring adventure like you were a theatre goer in “The Last Picture Show” as opposed reading dry political economics.

At one point in time the U.S.A. had it all with almost all consumer and industrial goods produced internally. The days of leather shoes, American automobiles and all manner of goods produced in the United States. A unionized labour force well paid with envious employee benefits catapulting many workers into the middle class. Can you imagine…defined benefit pension plans! A bloated labour force and greedy capitalists had a profitable if not cozy relationship that was not at an infinite plane. As mutual greed heightened the vanquished in World War II, the German defeated ironically fueled by The Marshall Plan, steamrolled into the American economy with Japan offering lower priced consumer goods and the Federal Republic of Germany high quality goods. Then China with its “leap ahead economic planning” and cheap semi starved workforce blew the bloated American workforce out of the water. Was the decimation of the American workforce a victim of the thrill of being a multinational corporation?

Forget consumer patriotism which meant paying more for domestically produced goods which would be passed on to the American consumer who opted for lower quality goods displacing domestic production as the unions augmented salary and benefit packages ultimately leading to higher cost American goods the American automotive industry a prime example.

On the corporate side when American customers required servicing it was cheaper to establish call centres in India then the Philippines instead of the United States irrespective if customers suffered unintelligible English and poor phone lines all keeping costs down and maintaining a healthy profit margin.

As American goods became more expensive than cheap Chinese ones American workers were displaced and with less disposable income looked to Walmart the lead purveyor of Cheap Chinese. “Equivalent” American goods had disappeared a prime example being Chinese footwear now accounting for 90% off all footwear purchased in the United States.

To make a long story short The American middle class began to disappear into the working class that itself was disappearing. A new class The Disaffected was emerging transforming the American political scene looking for a leader promising them a mythical return to a mythical past. Myths can certainly power the propaganda of a Golden Age or a Third Reich if you backstep into history.

Spoof News Services: Ebola Virus Ground Zero in Dunedin, Florida: Toronto Blue Jay Fans Arrested as Health Terrorists: Tirana, Albania:10February2025

The Ministry of Health of Albania reported an outbreak of Ebola in Dunedin, Florida. Albanian authorities advised the White House immediately after its findings were made. As the National Institute of Health and the Centre for Disease Control were disbanded by Muskcuts after his unilateral determination there was complete rot, fraud and corruption at these two agencies it would appear the health of Americans is to be safeguarded by an Albanian state entity.

The Albanian Minister of Health findings pointed to infected bananas from The Undemocratic Republic of Congo as the source of this potentially devastating viral outbreak.

The White House blamed these “isolated and never ever to spread cases” on a handful of Canadians attending the spring training camp of the Toronto Blue Jays in Dunedin, Florida. The Toronto Blue Jays are Canada’s only major league baseball team. Tradtionally there are several thousand Canadians attending the Blue Jay’s training camps but as “MAGA patriot squads” have been harassing Canadian visitors there has been a paucity of Canadian visitors to Dunedin, Florida. The Maga squads seized a can of Dr. Pepper held by Guelph, Ontario resident grade one student Amy Pickenbobber, as the source of the viral “incident”. Pickenbobber and the entire Canadian contingent was escorted by MAGA Matrons to waiting Tesla’s for a trip to the Tampa Bay Airfield,

When Vice President Jimbo Nochance was asked about the impending outbreak of Ebola in the United States his response was,” We beat Kung Flu from China and we can beat Bluejayosis mighty quick. We have transported the Canadian terrorist spreaders to Guantanamo Bay for interrogation. Americans need not fear as nothing but nothing, even the courts, can stop America from being great again. This is nothing a little bit of Javex can’t cure!”

Spoof News Services: White House Releases Pictures of VIP Guantanamo Bay Accommodations: Baltimore, Maryland: 9February2025

The White House released pictures today of VIP accommodations for top level guests of the Government of the United States. Canadian and Panamanian guests are currently enjoying the facilities and a US Airforce Super Galaxy C-5-M aircraft will be shortly ferrying Greenlander guests to the facility.

Greenlander guests to Guantanamo Bay will shortly be arriving in U.S. Airforce planes

In addition to a full range of leisure activities Guantanamo Bay is well known for waterboarding an activity the VIP guests will not want to miss.

Cristal “Yee Haw” Numbhead secretary for the Department of Homeland Paranoia announced on Fox Programme “Better Golden Age Days Are Ahead” Guantanamo Bay will host up to 30,000 illegals most being rapists, drug dealers, murderers and those who have not paid their parking tickets. VIP guests will number approximately 300 for the time being.

Beautiful relaxing gardens await VIP guests at Guantanamo Bay

Numbhead stated “Our Canadian, Panamanian and Greenlander guests will be housed in comfortable all American aluminum houses with beautiful patios to relax in after a hectic day of waterboarding. We offer buffet service offering wholesome American food. For example main dinner items last night for our VIP guests included Lake Champlain perch filets, Kansas City BBQ ribs and Philly Cheesesteak. Apple pie is available 24 hours a day. Wine (Gallo jug wine white blush) and beer (Schlitz) is available for a fee with dinner.”

Spoof News Services: White House Announces the Manufacture of a Golden Age B-52 Automobile: Emporia, Virginia 9February2025

Beaming with pride the Vice President of the United States, Jimbo Nochance, announced a new partnership between Musk Automotive and Tesla Manufacturing will be producing a car for the people that recognizes President Oran Crapaud’s magnificent statement, “Drill Baby Drill”. Nochance added the car will be a gas guzzler like all cars were years ago. Nochance stated, “A gas guzzler is a part of American history and our friends in the oil industry will now be able to drill, drill and drill. We’d like to think of it as a strength through joy car. Based on tariff revenues the cost will be $10,000. The first model will be a Golden Age B-52 to be followed by a “Special Advisor SUV.”

The Penny Pensioner Returns: Chapter Four: Misleading to Say Americans are Canada’s Enemies?

Hold back for a moment before we enumerate the American attack on Canada. Let’s recognize there are many Americans who are dismayed at this attack and recognize that friendship is generated by their respect for the values that Canadians stand for. They recognize and appreciate Canadians have been there for them whether its is lending its “super scooper” Bombardier water bombers to fight wildfires, dying by their side in war and hosting their citizens in Gander, Newfoundland when 9/11 grounded global air traffic and Newfoundlanders opened their hearts and homes to countless “grounded” Americans.

Perhaps then the real threat emanates from a deranged wannabe dictator with legions of ignorant hot heads who can’t even discern the difference between a subsidy and a trade deficit. Nazi saluting thugs supported by a throng of yahoo paramilitary groups better known as the Shame Boys and the Oath Breakers. The enemy is not the United States in its entirety but rather those Golden Ager MAGA “dreamers” dreaming of a mythical United States. Canada must cultivate its allies within America to escape, by way of allegory, a 1939 Poland. Perhaps the real enemies of America are found in the backroom of a pizza parlour in Washington? Perhaps Mike Pence shouldn’t have been lined up and shot by a firing squad for treason?

Let us not fall prey to the Musk jargon and think America is a ball of worms and corrupt through and through. The rot affects half of America and we know the worms rotting it.